Welcome to a Series of Increasingly Ridiculous Events

I have had a wild week and a half. It didn’t start well, then became overwhelming, and has ended on an upswing. What happens next is anyone’s guess.

I’d say that everything started to go down hill on the last Friday in February, but I think the grey clouds really started gathering on Thursday…maybe Wednesday. Basically, I left my laptop at the office Wednesday night, didn’t realize it until I was about to start work at home Thursday morning, and had to work extra late. On Friday, I noticed something hanging from the bottom of my car. The car still ran okay, but I had a sinking gut feeling that this was it. My almost 13 year old Ford Focus was done being a part of my life.

Yes, I cried. She was my first car that I owned. She came with me through five moves, three states, several major life events, and I put a lot of money in her to keep her alive.

Then I checked my mail box and I found a letter summoning me for jury duty on my day off. 

While going through all of this, I was trying to hire landscapers to fix a falling retaining wall on the side of my house.

Oh, and the United States bombed Iran. 

Great. Perfect. Just what we need.

I decided to start my car shopping on Sunday. In less than a week, I did a bunch of research, found a few car options through a car buying service I have access to, and got pre-approved for a loan. 

While that was going on, I got my poor old Focus looked at, fixed (for the most part), and locked myself out of my house. 

When I went to pick up my car from the shop, the check engine light popped on. Not the death red one, but the soft “this needs attention soon” yellow light. I asked the shop if it was because I opted to not buy the new battery (since I’d decided to buy a new car and all) with the tariff surcharge. They said no, took my keys (all of my keys), and (after half an hour) gave me the option to leave it overnight. As soon as I stepped out of the Lyft, I realized the shop never gave me back my house keys.

Panic sets in. The shop was technically closed, but I had overheard that they tend to stay a little after official closing hours. I raced back in an Uber, while also having a locksmith on standby. I actually hadn’t thought to call a locksmith until after calling my friends in that blind panic and one of them mentioned that that was an option.

The Uber driver was great. The poor guy from Afghanistan had just lost his job to layoffs and was dealing with my panicking self like a champ. He reminded me how to add a second stop to my trip so I wouldn’t be stranded at the car shop after getting there (my phone was at 9% and dying fast).

This is where my luck started to shift. 

The shop had been closed roughly 45 minutes, but there was still one lone mechanic there. He was just switching off the office lights when I ran up to the window like a hunted rabbit, jumping and waving to get his attention. He carefully approached the front door, not sure if the crazy person outside wasn’t dangerous, and I yelled that they had my house keys.

As soon as I said that I owned the Focus, he knew who I was and gave me my keys. The Uber driver took me home and I spent the rest of the evening thanking the multiverse for my stupid luck.

The work week was otherwise uneventful, minus a bunch of dealerships texting, emailing, and calling me to set up appointments. I finally found a pre-owned car that I’d be happy with. It was a 2026 with less than 1000 miles on it. It wasn’t exact color I wanted, but it wasn’t one I couldn’t live with. I made an appointment to see that exact car on Friday.

Though my luck was starting to turn, some of my friends weren’t having that same experience. One friend was stuck in the Middle East trying to get to their parent’s funeral. The same region that was currently breaking out into violence. Americans were being told to shelter in place or find someway to evacuate. The death toll was rising. 

My friend is okay, but they didn’t make it to the funeral. I’m just so glad that they are okay.

Friday rolls around, I go to the dealership, no car. It was a service rental and they had rented it out. This dealership tried to up sell me on a new car of the same model, but I wasn’t in the mood. Even after they offered me a nice price for the Focus, I said I wouldn’t make any choices unless I saw the car I made the appointment for. 

I waited all Saturday morning, but no progress on the car I’d hoped to buy. So I went back to my car buying service and found a different car in the color I wanted at the original dealership I had done my test driving. It was also a service rental car with a few more miles, but a fair bit cheaper.  

That was the car I ended up buying. The dealership that I had gone to on Friday eventually did get back to me with the car I originally wanted to see, but it was too late at that point. I had a much better deal with this other car and even managed to swing free oil changes at the brand for as long as I owned the car. They even gave me a lower APR than I thought was possible.

I still cried about selling my old car. An emotional release that was sorely needed.

Now, I’m nervous that another catastrophe is around the corner. Yes, I had a tough week, but it all weirdly turned out okay. 

But we’re still in this tense limbo of whether or not the United States is at war with Iran. Prices are rising like crazy. My friend was stuck in the UAE while Iran retaliated against US allies and angry protests were breaking out. ICE was spotted in the town I grew up in, not too far from where I live now.

Why am I still anxious? 

Before each event I just faced, I was able to prepare. I don’t feel prepared anymore.

If you enjoyed this post, please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Until next week. 

Welcome to Social Anxiety Horror

September has rolled in and hasn’t decided which season it should be yet. This means pre-spooky season is in fully swing. Halloween candy lines grocery store shelves, the craft stores have fake pumpkins galore, and pumpkin spice nonsense as far as the eye can see.

Naturally, I’ve already started hearing buzz around horror movies.

Yesterday, at art club, we all had an in-depth discussion around which horror movies we prefer, which we find comforting, and which we won’t touch with a ten foot pole. Naturally, the recently released Speak No Evil, came up. If you’ve managed to escape the trailers for this one, let me briefly explain the premise: an American family meets an English family on vacation, the English family invites them to their house in the middle of nowhere, and procede to be as creepy as possible. It’s technically a remake of a Dutch movie by the same name or also known as The Guests (likely made because Hollywood thinks Americans are allergic to subtitles) with a few changes.

It’s also an example of the subgenre social anxiety horror (a subgenre so rare that it doesn’t seem to have a TV Tropes page).

Normally, I’d have ascribed this movie as just a psychological horror, but there a few elements that push it into the lesser recognized social horror subgenre. TV Tropes defines psychological horror as “subgenre of horror that aims at creating horrific, paranoiac, suspenseful, or unsettling effects through in-depth use of mental and emotional states or psychological conditions.” From what I’ve come to understand, social anxiety horror differs in the use of social norms to drive the building tension. 

I was first introduced to this subgenre by the YouTube video essayist Super Eyepatch Wolf. His hour and twenty minute video covers several examples of social anxiety horror including literature (Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”), movies (The Guests which I am using instead of the other name to differentiate), and real life social experiments preformed on actual people. As I mulled over the concepts brought to my attention in the video, I came to realize that social anxiety horror is one I am easily disturbed by.

Just because I enjoy horror and have published multiple short stories and poems in the genre doesn’t mean that I love every aspect of it. My preference for horror typically contains some element of supernatural, cosmic, fantasy, or science fiction in it. This is so I have a buffer between what I’m enjoying through media and the possibility of something happening in my real life. I’ve never seen an extra terrestrial (doesn’t mean they don’t exist), but I have had a stalker. 

The closer the horror is to a possible experience, the less likely I am to enjoy it. I recently wrote a blog post about my thoughts on Anna Biller’s gothic romance/horror (horror is the section I found it in at Barnes & Noble) “Bluebeard’s Castle”. I found the book difficult to read at times (spoilers: not just because a cat dies) because I found my anxiety was being triggered. The main villain of the story uses psychology and social norms to manipulate the protagonist, which set off my flight responses. Putting the book down and walking away for a few days was the only way I could finish the book. 

The same response also happened to me for the horror novels “Such a Pretty Smile” by Kristi DeMeester and “A History of Fear” by Lucas Dumas (I made a post about this one). Though those novels contain an element of the supernatural, they also play on social anxiety fears. I could handle the dog creatures and flying devils. I couldn’t handle the homophobia and creepy situations with (fictional) people who were more or less real.

And that’s probably because I realize how easy it is to fall into a bad situation through the manipulation of social norms (see previously alluded to stalker). I’ve been in situations with other people that started out as seemingly normal and then escalated to terrifying. 

Thankfully, I’ve never been physically hurt in these situations, but they have taken a mental toll. It’s likely one of the many reasons I hate dating so much. I feel a lot more comfortable in a group social setting than going off with a person I just met for a one-on-one.

So let me know what you think of social anxiety horror? Should it have a TV Tropes page? What movies, shows, books, stories, or games do you think fit as examples of the subgenre? Did you go see “Speak No Evil” or watched the original “The Guests”? Let me know in the comments.

In you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me. 

Until the next week.

Welcome to Dealing with Anxiety

 My anxiety spiked this week (for reasons that will not be detailed in this blog). Though I’ve been dealing with anxiety for sometime now, it can still be very difficult to get out of the spiral of negativity and worse case scenarios. And it’s not just the mental side that can be difficult to deal with, there can also be a physical side. 

Here are something’s I do when my anxiety meter is off the charts:

This photo I took in Iceland of some street art is a good representation of my anxiety.

• Go hiking and be out in nature - getting outside and physically active helps to slow down my racing thoughts rather than speed them up. Being around nature is grounding. My worries seem further away when I’m in on a forest or mountain path. Note: it might be difficult or impossible for some people to go out for a hike or out into nature. Going to a local park or just around the block of your neighborhood can be beneficial.
• Cleaning - you might be surprised how much better a person can feel after tidying up. I spent much of the weekend finally putting away Christmas decorations, vacuuming, and getting rid of things that no longer "brought me joy" (to quote Marie Kondo - who has admitted to throwing in the towel for some of her advice after kid number three - it's still good advice for decluttering though).
• Take a hot bubble bath - I don't know about the rest of you guys, but anxiety tends to take a physical toll along with the mental. When my muscles are tense, my shoulders extremely tense, and I can't relax the best thing for my body is a soak in the tub. Finding the right products to add to the bath can also be helpful. Some lavender essential oil or a soothing bath bomb can really add to the relaxing atmosphere or just some good old fashion bubbles. Note: once again, not everyone may have access to a bath tub or be physically able to use one. In these cases a hot shower will work too.
• Watch a comfort movie or TV show - make sure it's something you don't have to pay attention to, but have positive feelings for. It doesn't matter if it's a guilty pleasure or something really silly. I personally love watching "Alvin and the Chipmunk Meet the Wolfman" or an older Disney Channel Original Halloween Movie like "Phantom of the Megaplex".
• Use a calming breathing technique - Using a meditative breathing technique or simply counting my breaths are known to help my nerves settle. I'm currently working on a walking meditation tutorial and have found that the method used (breathing from the heart and out with a focus on the forehead) is very relaxing - and lets me go into a deeper meditation.

Though my troubles aren't going away anytime soon, the things listed above can help me reset my nervous system. Once that happens, I can tackle the problem and come up with solutions.

Do you guys ever struggle with anxiety. Do you have techniques you use to settle down. Share your experiences. 

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to Mental Health Wellness Check

Hey!

How's it going?

Are y'all doing okay? Been feeling down at all? Is it hard to get out of bed?

Have you been feeling great? Have you started a new hobby? Or have you lost interest in things you used to love to do?

Are you distracted easily? Sleeping okay? Having any weird or vivid dreams that you want to share? 

I know I'm having a nightmare when the fluffy pink velociraptors with Valley Girl accents show up. A week ago, I had a dream where my mom gave me a very friendly tiger instead of my very fluffy cat and I didn't know what to do with a very friendly tiger that wanted tons of snuggles.

I have weird dreams.

Have you gone out and seen your friends? Made any new friends? Had a falling out you need to talk to someone about?

Are you obsessing over something?

I'm still thinking about the post I wrote last week.

Instead of taking some time to carefully compose what I wanted to say over the course of a couple of days - I impulsively word vomited some thoughts (that I still don't have a conclusive answer for) into the Interweb. 

Memo to me - don't do that again.

Eventually, I'll get over this angsty obsession and find something else to worry about.

Which reminds me of a saying one of my yoga teachers from New Jersey liked to say: "worrying is just payment for a debt you never owed."

At least I think that's what they used to say. I don't have a perfect memory - no one does. But I remember them encouraging me to let go of my worries and focus on the moment. 

I do find myself feeling happier when I slow down to just live in the moment. Today, I spotted a flowering bush with half a dozen swallowtail butterflies flitting about. I stopped and took a couple of pictures, appreciating their graceful movements and fluttering wings. The air was thick, smelling of campfires and newly blossomed flowers. Though the sun was setting, it had a few rays left to warm my skin. A few paces away, two monarch butterflies played tag in the tall grass.

One of the pictures I took.

That was a moment where I let all the background noise in my head fade away and I felt very happy.

Another picture I took. Does anyone know what kind of flower?

Have you had any moments like that recently?

On Friday, I went to the doctor's for my annual exam. I was nervous going. The pandemic hadn't been kind to my physical and mental health. But it's important to go. So that's what I did.

Part of my visit included a screening for depression. 

That was new. I know that a lot of studies have come out about how the past year and a half has wrecked a lot of people's mental health and depression is on the rise. I answered the questions honestly and had a conversation with my doctor about options to keep my mental health in check. She had a lot of information and happily provided me with resources. 

I'm glad depression, anxiety, and other mental health ailments are being taken seriously. I've been working on my mental health for a few years now, so I've become a bit blasé to my problems. But I remember how difficult it was to take that first step. I almost didn't. It took me crying in the car with my aunt on the phone for me to understand that I had to. My aunt had to help me make the appointment to see the doctor. 

It's okay to be nervous about admitting that you need help. It's intimidating to answer the doctor's questions. But without honesty, doctor's can't (or won't) help you.

So, take a moment. See how you're doing. Don't be ashamed if you're having trouble. It's okay to get help. It's okay to go to therapy.

How are you doing?

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week. 

Welcome to a Dancing in the Streets

 When I hear the phrase "dancing in the streets" my mind typically jumps to the David Bowie and Mick Jagger version of the song from 1993. However, the song is much older. Originally sung in 1965 by Martha & The Vandellas. 

The top comment right now on the video I linked is about dancing in the streets once the pandemic is declared over. I kind of hope it happens - especially after the past few days. 

I'm not gonna lie. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the US election was called. Things have been tense since 2016 and the past 10 months have only exacerbated the cracks that had formed in our country's foundation. There's a part of me that still can't relax despite the election being called because there are still three months before there's a transition of power. 

I wasn't dancing in the street, but I saw a lot of people out there. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the epic saga that was the battle between the "Trump House" and the rest of the wealthy residents of Lewinsville Road. Well yesterday, I can report that the saga somewhat ended when the residents of the Pride House took to the streets to dance and let everyone passing by know who won.

I didn't see many others in my area taking to the streets - at least not in person. 

Part of me did want to drive into DC to see the celebrations at Black Lives Matter Plaza. The sane part of me also remembered that there is pandemic and parking is a pain in the butt (especially with the new wall around the White House). 

But I haven't wanted to dance. 

Or maybe I don't want to dance yet. 

There's so much going on in the world right now and I've been feeling exhausted - even when I don't feel like I've been doing anything. The stress of the pandemic, making sure my family stays safe, and the monotony of spending everyday at home has started to get to me. I'd like to go out and meet new people (I did just move back to NoVa in March), maybe try dating again, take a trip overseas, or at least spend time with my old friends I haven't seen in years. 

So much has happened to me in a year. So much has changed. I like to believe that I'm doing alright, but there's always a slight worry that everything's going to fall apart if I let my guard drop too much.

The videos out of Philly, Detroit, DC, and LA have been amazing to see. So many people - particularly young people - outside celebrating. It's inspiring.

I'm not ready to dance yet, but I hope to someday soon.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Welcome to Standing Before a Crowd

This past week, I challenged myself to do something that I find terrifying. I read in front of a crowd of strangers two of my original poems at open mic night. To some people this might not be a huge deal. The coffee shop is small, the people very nice, and it can be fun to preform before a crowd.

To someone like me, especially with my anxiety, it can be a nightmare made real.

I don't know if I could ever address a crowd this size.
(March on Washington)

Thankfully, everyone there was really nice and encouraging. (Big shout out to everyone who liked my Facebook post - you guys are awesome). The man who hosts the event told me that I would eventually get used to preforming. A few people took the time to tell me afterwards how much they liked my poems.

I'm looking forward to going back and preforming again...even if I'm still a little anxious about it.

It can be really hard standing up in front of a crowd. When everyone is focused on me, I feel like I'm suddenly under a microscope. I start breathing too fast, my muscles tighten up, and my mind blanks out. I start to worry too much about what people will think and doubt myself.

Are my poems good enough?

Do I look silly up here?

Is anyone taking me seriously?

But I hope they aren't taking me too seriously?

Oh, no, do I look alright? Should I have worn a different outfit? Does my hair look okay?

I feel a bit like this poor guy melting.
(Street art in Iceland)

Stage fright isn't an uncommon fear. I think most people feel this at some point or another. I know I have every single time I've had to address a large crowd of people. Even back in high school, I hated taking center stage. 

However, that fear doesn't stop me from craving the spotlight on occasion. 

I have a lot to say and I want to get my message out there (through poetry or by blogging - it's very similar). Just because I'm afraid or uncomfortable, doesn't mean I shouldn't try to speak up. It means I need to practice and again experience. 

There will always be people who don't like what I have to say. Less than a year after I started blogging, I had someone send me nasty messages about how what I was doing was stupid and no one even cared. They weren't critiquing or disagreeing with me. They were trying to bully me into silence. 

And that wasn't okay.

Instead of taking what they wrote to me to heart, I didn't engage and simply blocked them. It's one way to deal with a bully you can't reason with. 

These types of people will always exist. They'll tell you to "sit down and shut up" or tell you that what you have to say is stupid or insignificant ("there are things you should talk about").

Don't listen. 

Then there's the worst critic of them all: yourself.

It's true. I am my own worst critic. I'm always thinking that what I've written isn't good enough and needs to be improved. 

The problem is, if I never show anyone my work, I'll never hear an opinion that isn't my own. I'll never get my work out there. 

I might always have to battle the voice of doubt at the back of my mind, but I won't let it hold me back. I'll never get used to speaking in front of a crowd without practicing.

But it's still okay if I'm afraid.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Until next week. 

Welcome to a New Chapter

When I started this blog roughly two and a half years ago, I made it my goal to document my transition from college student to independent adult. Though I've skipped a few weeks here and there (last week for example for a quick trip down to Disney World), I've somehow managed to keep up with my weekly posts. Some weeks were tougher than others.

Wish I was still here instead of under 21 inches of snow.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Not because I have to dig my car out of a huge snow drift (though that will require a lot of strength). No, tomorrow, is the my first day at my new job.

Its another big change after a very long list of changes that have happened in this past year. Then again, what is life if not a series of changes? I made the transition from college to the work force. I survived moving from Maryland to New Jersey by myself. I've learned to live with a roommate again. All changes that I have faced.

Thinking about tomorrow (because I'm always over thinking), I am very much reminded of my feelings leading up to my first day at my first job out of college. I remember wondering if my new coworkers would like me. If I was ready for this position. Or if I had imagined the whole thing and I hadn't actually been hired. (This is just the short list).

I've already committed myself to this change. I just have to remember to calm down a breath. Am I scared? Sort of. I'm more anxious than scared. If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I like the familiar. Starting a new job at a new company, moving from one state to another, making friends are examples of things that aren't familiar. I just need to square my shoulders, walk with confidence, and be prepared to learn.

I might not be the best at handling change, but I can act like I can. A few deep breaths and a calm mind will get me ready for anything. A great outfit helps too.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Here's a picture from Harry Potter World.

I'm going to Hogwarts!

Apparently Jurassic Park is near Hogwarts!

Until next week.

Welcome To The "What If Loop"

Or Why Being A "New" Adult Is Stressful

I like security and familiarity. It's probably why I have such a hard time getting rid of silly things like pictures or all of my books. I feel at home with them. Unfortunately this past year hasn't been the kindest to my sense of stability and familiarity.

Sure, I have a stable job and income, but I just moved several states away from all my friends and family. My roommate is great, but we've only known each other for a few months. Sure, I have my own room, but I sometimes still feel like I'm invading someone's space. It's a new experience that I don't have a reference point for. It makes me nervous and occasionally more paranoid than usual.

Then there is my questioning. Some days I worry that I'm going to wake up and find out I made this whole trip of to New Jersey up and that I don't actually work here. So far this fear hasn't become too irrational, but it's always in the back of my mind (variations of this include being fired, ending up in the emergency room for insert physical malady here, and insert horrible natural disaster here).

This leads to my "what if loop." What is a that? Basically it's how I think of my anxiety. When I'm really anxious, all I can think about it what if x, y, or z happens. Heck, sometimes I think in term of what if a, b, c or d didn't actually happen and instead I made them up (this happens a lot when I'm dating someone). 

These thought patterns used to not be that bad. They usually followed along the lines of "what if I don't pass this test" or "what if I forget my lunch at home." Sure it was hard to concentrate thinking like that and I tended to make them seem bigger than they really were, but they weren't all that life changing. Now, though, there's a lot more that can change. I don't feel that I have the same safety nets I did in college. These are the worse when I can't fall asleep or am so worked up that I can't stop talking in a loop.

Okay, yeah, everyone is a phone call/text message/ skype call/email away, but it isn't the same as seeing them in person. There are days where I wish I didn't worry all the time (then again, I sometimes wonder if I'd be happy if I didn't worry about something).

The trick is trying to stay calm and just go with what ever is happening. I have to remind myself that I can't control everything and that I need to calm down enough to make a critical decision.

How do I calm myself down? I think there's already a blog post about that (Welcome to Self Reflection should be it), but in a nut shell, Yoga, meditation and writing help out a lot. My focus doesn't even need to be on my problem while I'm doing any of those activities. I am able to let it all out and feel mentally prepared for my next step.

Which could always lead me right off a cliff if I'm not paying attention. It's a delicate balance.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off), please, like, share, or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Now to go figure out this life stuff.

Welcome To Christmas Shopping

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I love Christmas (not as much as I love Halloween, but that's not important). It's the end of the year. You get to spend time with family and friends. There are the TV specials and the Christmas music that are wonderfully nostalgic (good and bad). Thought it's cliche, it is a magical time of year.

Unless you're not Christian in which case it can be the most annoying time of year (seriously "Christmas Shoes" gets old ten seconds into the song).

I have put up my small and very fake Christmas tree and included a cute little Christmas Village this year (I really didn't want to drag out my Harry Potter Lego collection).

However, if there was one thing I had to complain about (and no not my relatives asking me if I've found a nice significant other), it's the shopping. If I were a smarter person (or a better planner), I would have learned by now to do Christmas shopping throughout the year. As it stands, I don't really think about until last minute.

I don't even know why it causes such a huge anxiety for me. I guess part of it might be that I'm trying to find the "perfect" gift for that one person. It could be perhaps I suffer from sticker shock. But I think the most likely reason of all, might be that I just hate shopping.

I've been going through malls, shops, and websites. There are so many "specials" and coupons, not to mention all the "buy now or you'll miss out" deals. I'm bombarded with ads. It goes back to "Miracle on 34th Street" (the original in black and white) and how over commercial everything is. It almost makes me want to steal Christmas.

Not only that, but it's finding that gift that the other person hasn't thought to get for themselves.

Of course I could make all of my own gifts, no one would get themselves something hand made. However that requires a bit more forethought than a month and I've already admitted to not being a very good planner. Maybe I should get my own magic workshop. Oh wait...

Okay that was a lame joke.

I just want to show my family and friends how much I appreciate them. That's why I want to get them as close to the "perfect" gift as I can. To show them how much they mean to me. Even though it's bad, I'm probably going to still stress out until the New Year. And hopefully I'll start my shopping for next year the day after Christmas.

If you enjoyed this post or it really pissed you off, please like, comment, or share with friends, family or your worst enemy. I love hearing from my readers (which includes my international followers) and I'd like to thank all of you for continuing to read. Until next year.