Welcome to Standing Before a Crowd

This past week, I challenged myself to do something that I find terrifying. I read in front of a crowd of strangers two of my original poems at open mic night. To some people this might not be a huge deal. The coffee shop is small, the people very nice, and it can be fun to preform before a crowd.

To someone like me, especially with my anxiety, it can be a nightmare made real.

I don't know if I could ever address a crowd this size.
(March on Washington)

Thankfully, everyone there was really nice and encouraging. (Big shout out to everyone who liked my Facebook post - you guys are awesome). The man who hosts the event told me that I would eventually get used to preforming. A few people took the time to tell me afterwards how much they liked my poems.

I'm looking forward to going back and preforming again...even if I'm still a little anxious about it.

It can be really hard standing up in front of a crowd. When everyone is focused on me, I feel like I'm suddenly under a microscope. I start breathing too fast, my muscles tighten up, and my mind blanks out. I start to worry too much about what people will think and doubt myself.

Are my poems good enough?

Do I look silly up here?

Is anyone taking me seriously?

But I hope they aren't taking me too seriously?

Oh, no, do I look alright? Should I have worn a different outfit? Does my hair look okay?

I feel a bit like this poor guy melting.
(Street art in Iceland)

Stage fright isn't an uncommon fear. I think most people feel this at some point or another. I know I have every single time I've had to address a large crowd of people. Even back in high school, I hated taking center stage. 

However, that fear doesn't stop me from craving the spotlight on occasion. 

I have a lot to say and I want to get my message out there (through poetry or by blogging - it's very similar). Just because I'm afraid or uncomfortable, doesn't mean I shouldn't try to speak up. It means I need to practice and again experience. 

There will always be people who don't like what I have to say. Less than a year after I started blogging, I had someone send me nasty messages about how what I was doing was stupid and no one even cared. They weren't critiquing or disagreeing with me. They were trying to bully me into silence. 

And that wasn't okay.

Instead of taking what they wrote to me to heart, I didn't engage and simply blocked them. It's one way to deal with a bully you can't reason with. 

These types of people will always exist. They'll tell you to "sit down and shut up" or tell you that what you have to say is stupid or insignificant ("there are things you should talk about").

Don't listen. 

Then there's the worst critic of them all: yourself.

It's true. I am my own worst critic. I'm always thinking that what I've written isn't good enough and needs to be improved. 

The problem is, if I never show anyone my work, I'll never hear an opinion that isn't my own. I'll never get my work out there. 

I might always have to battle the voice of doubt at the back of my mind, but I won't let it hold me back. I'll never get used to speaking in front of a crowd without practicing.

But it's still okay if I'm afraid.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Until next week.