Welcome to Standing Before a Crowd

This past week, I challenged myself to do something that I find terrifying. I read in front of a crowd of strangers two of my original poems at open mic night. To some people this might not be a huge deal. The coffee shop is small, the people very nice, and it can be fun to preform before a crowd.

To someone like me, especially with my anxiety, it can be a nightmare made real.

I don't know if I could ever address a crowd this size.
(March on Washington)

Thankfully, everyone there was really nice and encouraging. (Big shout out to everyone who liked my Facebook post - you guys are awesome). The man who hosts the event told me that I would eventually get used to preforming. A few people took the time to tell me afterwards how much they liked my poems.

I'm looking forward to going back and preforming again...even if I'm still a little anxious about it.

It can be really hard standing up in front of a crowd. When everyone is focused on me, I feel like I'm suddenly under a microscope. I start breathing too fast, my muscles tighten up, and my mind blanks out. I start to worry too much about what people will think and doubt myself.

Are my poems good enough?

Do I look silly up here?

Is anyone taking me seriously?

But I hope they aren't taking me too seriously?

Oh, no, do I look alright? Should I have worn a different outfit? Does my hair look okay?

I feel a bit like this poor guy melting.
(Street art in Iceland)

Stage fright isn't an uncommon fear. I think most people feel this at some point or another. I know I have every single time I've had to address a large crowd of people. Even back in high school, I hated taking center stage. 

However, that fear doesn't stop me from craving the spotlight on occasion. 

I have a lot to say and I want to get my message out there (through poetry or by blogging - it's very similar). Just because I'm afraid or uncomfortable, doesn't mean I shouldn't try to speak up. It means I need to practice and again experience. 

There will always be people who don't like what I have to say. Less than a year after I started blogging, I had someone send me nasty messages about how what I was doing was stupid and no one even cared. They weren't critiquing or disagreeing with me. They were trying to bully me into silence. 

And that wasn't okay.

Instead of taking what they wrote to me to heart, I didn't engage and simply blocked them. It's one way to deal with a bully you can't reason with. 

These types of people will always exist. They'll tell you to "sit down and shut up" or tell you that what you have to say is stupid or insignificant ("there are things you should talk about").

Don't listen. 

Then there's the worst critic of them all: yourself.

It's true. I am my own worst critic. I'm always thinking that what I've written isn't good enough and needs to be improved. 

The problem is, if I never show anyone my work, I'll never hear an opinion that isn't my own. I'll never get my work out there. 

I might always have to battle the voice of doubt at the back of my mind, but I won't let it hold me back. I'll never get used to speaking in front of a crowd without practicing.

But it's still okay if I'm afraid.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Until next week. 

Welcome to a Writer's Fear

I would love to one day see myself on a best selling author's list. Or even have a novel or short story I've written turned into a popular movie series. I hope to one day have people look back fondly on my work like I do with stories written by J.K. Rowling and Terry Pratchett.

I know I'm not the only person who has these types of dreams. It doesn't matter if they are about being a writer, a movie maker, a musician, or any other type of creation.

I've been told that I can write well. I've been told I have a wild imagination. I've been told that I am a good story teller. I've been told a lot of things about my writing, nearly all of them good.

Yet there's always this nagging voice in the back of my mind that causes me to doubt myself. Between writer's block and fear that my stories are no where near good enough for strangers to read, I struggle to finish short stories and novels (or if I do finish them, then finishing the rewriting and editing).

I don't make it a secret that I write fan fiction (no not the 50 Shades of Grey kind). It's where I've been experimenting with my style and different genres. I've gotten some great feedback on most of my stories. However, I've stopped rereading them.

Why?

Because when I go back and read those stories, all I see is where I could have improved them. I notice all the small changes that I could have made that would have made my work better. I also start to sometimes think that what I've written is silly and that maybe I shouldn't have posted them at all.

Doubt is my worst enemy.

Even this blog can be a struggle sometimes. I have posted once a week consistently (with one or two skips) since 2013. I've had many posts that I've started and then promptly deleted. There have been many weeks where I've wondered if I should click that "publish" button because once I do, anyone can see it.

 Will people laugh at what I have to say? Am I writing anything worth reading? Is this even good?

Don't get me wrong. I know negative feedback is going to happen. I can't grow as a writer without negative feedback. I just find that there's a difference between being told that a few things in my writing don't work versus being told that what I've written is complete garbage. It's that fear of being complete garbage that always makes me pause (and occasionally ask someone for a second opinion) before hitting that "publish" button.

I've recently joined two writers groups. I've submitted a few samples of my writing and I've gotten the constructive feedback that I need (what does and doesn't work). Each time that it was my turn to submit, I almost said "never mind, I actually don't have anything to share."

Thankfully I didn't back out. I got the feedback that I needed to make improvements to future drafts and I'm looking to publish a short story (more developments to come). It helps my confidence to know that people like some of the things I write.

It might be totally irrational, but one of my biggest fears is that I'm not writing anything worth reading.

Finding that confidence might be the toughest challenge that I face, that or editing. I have very little patience for editing.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off), please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Until next week.