Welcome To The "What If Loop"

Or Why Being A "New" Adult Is Stressful

I like security and familiarity. It's probably why I have such a hard time getting rid of silly things like pictures or all of my books. I feel at home with them. Unfortunately this past year hasn't been the kindest to my sense of stability and familiarity.

Sure, I have a stable job and income, but I just moved several states away from all my friends and family. My roommate is great, but we've only known each other for a few months. Sure, I have my own room, but I sometimes still feel like I'm invading someone's space. It's a new experience that I don't have a reference point for. It makes me nervous and occasionally more paranoid than usual.

Then there is my questioning. Some days I worry that I'm going to wake up and find out I made this whole trip of to New Jersey up and that I don't actually work here. So far this fear hasn't become too irrational, but it's always in the back of my mind (variations of this include being fired, ending up in the emergency room for insert physical malady here, and insert horrible natural disaster here).

This leads to my "what if loop." What is a that? Basically it's how I think of my anxiety. When I'm really anxious, all I can think about it what if x, y, or z happens. Heck, sometimes I think in term of what if a, b, c or d didn't actually happen and instead I made them up (this happens a lot when I'm dating someone). 

These thought patterns used to not be that bad. They usually followed along the lines of "what if I don't pass this test" or "what if I forget my lunch at home." Sure it was hard to concentrate thinking like that and I tended to make them seem bigger than they really were, but they weren't all that life changing. Now, though, there's a lot more that can change. I don't feel that I have the same safety nets I did in college. These are the worse when I can't fall asleep or am so worked up that I can't stop talking in a loop.

Okay, yeah, everyone is a phone call/text message/ skype call/email away, but it isn't the same as seeing them in person. There are days where I wish I didn't worry all the time (then again, I sometimes wonder if I'd be happy if I didn't worry about something).

The trick is trying to stay calm and just go with what ever is happening. I have to remind myself that I can't control everything and that I need to calm down enough to make a critical decision.

How do I calm myself down? I think there's already a blog post about that (Welcome to Self Reflection should be it), but in a nut shell, Yoga, meditation and writing help out a lot. My focus doesn't even need to be on my problem while I'm doing any of those activities. I am able to let it all out and feel mentally prepared for my next step.

Which could always lead me right off a cliff if I'm not paying attention. It's a delicate balance.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off), please, like, share, or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Now to go figure out this life stuff.