Welcome to a New House

 Just to be that Millennial, but “I did a think!”

To solidify my latest “adult” milestone and movement into early middle life, I bought a house. And again, like any good Millennial, the only reason I could remotely do this is due to personal tragedy.

It’s not quite as cute as this, but close.

About a year and a half ago, I lost one of my parents. It’s been a long journey and a lot of emotions since they passed. It also maybe why I haven’t been writing my blog as much (this should change in the coming week, months, and years).

Buying a house is a lot.

There are so many things to consider: price, age of the house, size, price, neighborhood, HOA fees (they are inescapable in Virginia), distance from friends and favorite hiking spots, price, and when the last time to roof had been replaced. 

And when you find the “perfect” house, you put a bid on it, get into a bidding war, and lose - multiple times.

It was my sibling who picked out the house I eventually won the bidding war on. It didn’t have everything I wanted, but it had enough that I knew I would be happy. And more importantly, my cat loves it.

It also needs some work. For a house built in the 80s, the structure is still good and the roof last replaced within ten years (this is important for insurance reasons), but there are some little things that I need to update. The windows are original to the house and very difficult to open, the washer needs to be cleaned all the time, and I can’t stand the door going from the bathroom into the big room. Who thought it was a good idea to put a door there?

And little things I need to get rid of…like ants. They’re all over my kitchen. I’ve had ant issues before, but this is the first time it’s actually my problem (and money) to solve. Pray for my sanity.

Additionally, I did have an inspection (it was a quick turn around part of the negotiations - probably because it was two days before Christmas) and the things noted were fixed (except for the washer, but that’s a later problem). Yet I still needed to go out and buy a new dishwasher as soon as I tried using the one currently residing in my kitchen. 

So many soap subs.

The deck needs to be looked at, though it’s safe enough to go out on. I want new windows sooner rather than later. At least I think the washing machine can wait a bit.

I had family over this weekend to help me unpack. For the most part the first floor of the house is box free and organized. The second floor at least is in a state of organized chaos. The basement, though, is still meters deep in boxes.

They also kept reminding me to get rid of stuff. It’s a little tough to do. Some of this stuff was inherited from my parent. I got rid of a ton of stuff last year cleaning out their place and now I have to really decide what stays and what goes. It’s emotionally exhausting.

So, that’s where I’ve been. 

I bought a house. It’s not very big, but it’s mine.

Now to get rid of those ants.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my reads and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Welcome to Feeling like an Adult

 As we approach September, my anxiety is rising again. For the past few months, I’ve been a contractor. It’s a good position with awesome work. My contract ends the first week of November.

There is the possibility that the organization that I’ve been working for will make me a full time member of their staff, but nothing is guaranteed and after the past two years I’ve had regarding my employment status (or lack there of), I don’t want to get my hopes too high.

When I think back on my 20s, I realize what an ideal time it was in my life. I had stable employment, a great friend group, opportunity to travel and have fun, and a good support system. In my mind’s eye, the problems from my poor mental health are smoothed over in favor of memories of going to Broadway plays and trips to the farmers market. My homesickness replaced by laughter from my writer’s group and nights clubbing in Hoboken (as infrequent as they were).

I almost want to go back in time and give my younger self a pep talk. Enjoy this time, take a few more risks. I’d want that version of me to enjoy that life because COVID-19 is just around the corner - lurking like a vampire just beyond the streetlight’s rays - to upend everything.

Things haven’t all been bad, but I can tell how restless I am - how listless I’ve become. I’ve struggled to writer and create art. I’ve had to take on even more responsibilities (though I wouldn’t trade my grumpy fur baby for anything).

She’s sweet, but also has teeth!

For once in my life I actually feel like an adult, not an awkwardly old teenager pretending to be one.

Soon, this period of transition will end. And my mind will find something else to overthink. I’ve started looking at apartments in different areas and I want to cry over how expensive they all are. 

Sometimes I think life in general is just one long period of transition - though between what I haven’t a clue. It’s not life or death though. That answer doesn’t feel right.

Meditation and yoga can help me find some form of stillness that goes against the natural chaotic momentum that shapes our world. Time never stops moving forward, even when a clock does. The Earth will keep changing regardless of human activity. 

We live, we change, we go to the next life.

It makes for a great story though.

If you enjoyed this blog post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me.

Until next week*.

*next week is Labor Day, so maybe the week after that.

Welcome to the Speed of Time

Do you guys remember a time when it felt like the school year would never end? Or when summer vacation seemed to last forever and a day? Does it sometimes feel time is now slipping away faster and faster than it did a decade ago?

Apparently this weird shift in how we perceive time isn't unusual as we age. Scientists seem to think its because our brains prioritizes new memories rather than familiar ones, which makes it seem like our childhood lasted a lot longer than a decade as an adult does.

The sense of loosing time is usually accompanied by a the feelings of regret, melancholy, and the idea that there might be missing. I also start to feel the weight of my mortality.

I'm not old. In the description of this blog, it says that I was somewhere in my twenties, at least when I started it. I'll let you guys speculate on my actual age, but it's not like I've "aged" that. What's five years to someone who has graduated college and ventured forth on their own?

This year is the sixth anniversary since the start of a show called Gravity Falls. It was a fun show on one of the Disney channels about two kids spending a summer with their Great Uncle in the middle of no where Oregon. The creator of the show always knew how it would end and that the story would only encompass one summer. The finale was shown three years ago and it lived up to my expectations.

I think you can still watch it on Hulu.

The reason I bring up this show is because the creator explicitly stated that it was inspired by his own summer vacations with his twin sister. He recalls feeling that summers felt endless and that they would be kids forever.

But nothing lasts forever and all things come to an end.

Just like the creator's summer did. Just like the summer Mable and Dipper Pines had in Gravity Falls (that was also the name of the town the show took place in).

I think that's why I get so sad sometimes. It happens when I realize how long it's been since a major life event happened or an enjoyable tradition ended. Around this time last year, I went to the beach with my mom, sister, and aunt. We used to go every year for two weeks at the end of August to this town in Southern New Jersey. I have very fond memories from this time and occasionally I like to pretend that it's still the 90s or early 2000s. But the reality is that we haven't consistently gone to this beach for at least 12(?), 15(?) years old - well it's been over a decade at least.

These are days where it makes me really sad that I can never go back to those times. It's not the same anymore. Somethings seem to be the same, but I can see where time has taken it's toll. Faded paint on the mini golf course, a new store where the ice cream parlor used to be, and the rides on the boardwalk are a lot smaller than when I was six.

Those exact moments only exist in my memories now.

Memories, though, aren't always a guarantee. There are diseases that can wipe out our fondest memories and others that prevent us from creating new ones. I like to try and record what I can, if for no other reason than writing helps me process the things going on in my life. Most I keep private, but some I share on social media and in my blog posts.

Recently, a cousin of mine passed away. Part of me didn't feel it was real until I attended her memorial service. It felt like I was talking to her not all that long ago, promising to see her again at our next family reunion. Then I remembered that that conversation had happened at my family reunion last August. Part of me still feels like I'll see my cousin in just a couple months.

Though it's been over a decade, I still sometimes hear my grandparent's laughter. I can close my eyes and explore the houses I grew up in, even when I haven't been there in years. They're very clear memories and they don't feel like they happened as long ago as they actually did.

I can only hope to create more memories of the new moments in my life and break away from my day-to-day routine whenever I can. I want to have adventures, see the world, and try everything that I can. I want to build memories and fill my life with lots of stories.

Keeping memories is a lot like writing a novel. We only keep the ones that are important to the story we want to tell. We cut out the mundane, ignore the routine, and exaggerate the awesome.

I hope that when I finish writing my story, it's one that's worth remembering.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to Coming of Age

Before I begin this week's post, I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that I will be taking next week off from all of my writing projects (both blogs, webcomic, and other personal projects) as I will be going on a crazy adventure with my cousin. So I'll be dropping off the face of the Earth for a long weekend.

This past weekend I was invited to the Bat Mitzvah of a family friend's daughter. It was my first time going to a Bat Mitzvah and I thought it was a beautiful ceremony as well as a fun party. Our friends were extremely proud of their daughter and were thrilled to celebrate with family and friends.

A Bat Mitzvah is an important religious coming of age. Our friends' daughter had to attend Hebrew School and devote a lot of her free time to get ready for it. The closest I have ever experienced (and I don't feel it compares as much) was my confirmation. It was my religious coming of age in the church.

I think all kids both crave and fear adulthood. Adulthood is the freedom to do whatever you please (at least to a child it seems that way), but there are a lot of complicated feelings that come with growing up. There are many different religious and cultural events that indicate when a child has reached adulthood, but just because society deems someone an adult doesn't mean that that someone feels like one.

I know I sometimes still don't feel like an adult and I'm in my mid-twenties.

Someone please right a story based on this image...

Society has set the bar high when it comes to these events too. Shows like My Super Sweet 16 or the insane prom stories that pop up on Facebook in April and May have caused many teenagers to want big over-the-top parties and try to out do their friends. It can make a person envious.

Then there are the coming of age novels or movies that adults love to show teenagers. I remember having to watch Now and Then as well as Stand By Me when I was going through my confirmation classes and reading To Kill a Mockingbird  and House on Mango Street in school. These books and movies were meant to help us understand that there would be a point were you just couldn't be a child anymore. The loss of childhood innocence was inevitable.

What all of these stories, movies, and shows didn't mention was that coming of age wasn't necessarily one event in your life time.

Some days I look back and don't feel I ever went through a coming of age event. There wasn't one moment that I instantly knew I wasn't a kid anymore.

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of moments where I lost that "childhood innocence" adults try to protect. But I didn't have that big adventure that spanned one amazing summer that was a popular narrative in these stories.

I think that's true for a lot of people, especially people my age.

We're stuck in a weird limbo where we still feel like kids and wish we didn't have to face the cold world of adulthood. Childhood was fun and carefree, even if our parents and teachers had final say on everything. Adulthood is a mess of never ending responsibilities, so many uncertainties, and mixed emotions.

Childhood was full of possibility. Adulthood just feels overwhelming.

However, I couple of weeks ago, I was at a guest lecture event for one of my writing groups. While the author was describing the book he had written (The Ferryman Institute by Colin Gigl), he said that it was sort of a coming of age story for adults and that anyone can go through a coming of age story no matter how old they are.

It was a message that I think I needed to hear.

There are a lot of different adventures that I can go on throughout my life and I can learn and grow during each of them. Coming of age stories aren't just for children becoming adults, they're for everyone.

I hope everyone has a fun Halloween. Get dressed up, eat a ton of candy, and act like a little kid. I have several costumes picked out for the next couple of days.

Until next time!

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.