Welcome to Feeling like an Adult

 As we approach September, my anxiety is rising again. For the past few months, I’ve been a contractor. It’s a good position with awesome work. My contract ends the first week of November.

There is the possibility that the organization that I’ve been working for will make me a full time member of their staff, but nothing is guaranteed and after the past two years I’ve had regarding my employment status (or lack there of), I don’t want to get my hopes too high.

When I think back on my 20s, I realize what an ideal time it was in my life. I had stable employment, a great friend group, opportunity to travel and have fun, and a good support system. In my mind’s eye, the problems from my poor mental health are smoothed over in favor of memories of going to Broadway plays and trips to the farmers market. My homesickness replaced by laughter from my writer’s group and nights clubbing in Hoboken (as infrequent as they were).

I almost want to go back in time and give my younger self a pep talk. Enjoy this time, take a few more risks. I’d want that version of me to enjoy that life because COVID-19 is just around the corner - lurking like a vampire just beyond the streetlight’s rays - to upend everything.

Things haven’t all been bad, but I can tell how restless I am - how listless I’ve become. I’ve struggled to writer and create art. I’ve had to take on even more responsibilities (though I wouldn’t trade my grumpy fur baby for anything).

She’s sweet, but also has teeth!

For once in my life I actually feel like an adult, not an awkwardly old teenager pretending to be one.

Soon, this period of transition will end. And my mind will find something else to overthink. I’ve started looking at apartments in different areas and I want to cry over how expensive they all are. 

Sometimes I think life in general is just one long period of transition - though between what I haven’t a clue. It’s not life or death though. That answer doesn’t feel right.

Meditation and yoga can help me find some form of stillness that goes against the natural chaotic momentum that shapes our world. Time never stops moving forward, even when a clock does. The Earth will keep changing regardless of human activity. 

We live, we change, we go to the next life.

It makes for a great story though.

If you enjoyed this blog post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me.

Until next week*.

*next week is Labor Day, so maybe the week after that.

Welcome to Cake Pops: The Story of a Hot Mess

I have to give serious props to bakers, especially the ones who go on TV and compete in timed competitions. They make the art of baking and decorating look easy.

I'm here to tell you that they aren't. Not in the slightest.

These turned out the prettiest...until they fell over.

For a couple of holiday parties that I was invited to, I decided to make cake pops. I've sort of made them before, but minus the pop stick and sprinkles. Thus, I wanted to try making them again (with all the trimmings) and feature them in my food blog (it's under a different name and website, but click here) while pairing them with that "special edition" cinnamon coke.

I was not prepared.

Baking the cakes went smoothly, it's when I tried to stick them on the pop sticks and add the chocolate coating that I started running into serious problems. Either the cake pops didn't want to stay on the pop stick, they dangerously leaned to one side in the display I had created, or everything just went all over the place. I probably ended up with more chocolate on me than on the cake pops.

If no one has ever told you, making cake pops is a long process. You’ve got to bake the cake, then add some frosting, let them harden in the fridge or freezer (your mileage on this step may vary), put them on pop sticks, add your chocolate (it’s messy), and finally the sprinkles. Then you’ve got to hope to the universe that they don’t fall over in your display. Oh yes, they will fall. This whole thing took me two days to do (mostly because of trial and error). It was a long two days.

Early yesterday, I wrote on Facebook that I thought that making cake pops would be the end of me - mainly because dipping each pop into chocolate has been the bane of my existence. One of my cousins pointed out that the best way to do this was to drizzle the chocolate onto the cake pops instead. So I ran out to pick up some Styrofoam (not something I like buying, but it worked) to hold the cake pops up and drizzled a ton of chocolate on top of the few remaining un-decorated pops. Candy and chocolate still went flying everywhere.

Other people commented on my Facebook post either to give suggestions or to agree with my frustration. Some of the comments were pretty funny.

It was frustrating, taking a lot longer than I thought it would, and turned out hilarious. If I eat another cake pop before next winter, it'll be too soon. I will say they taste really good, but in the looks department, I've seen prettier fails on the Nailed It subreddit. I might have even baked one of the eggs instead of properly adding it into the cake.

I honestly had to laugh. The whole thing felt like an allegory to my current life situation. It's not pretty, has lots of problems, but there are still reasons to laugh and smile. I think a lot of us feel like we should have everything put together by our mid to late twenties. We won’t and I certainly don’t.

Two days of working on these cake pops and at least they taste good, but my kitchen is a disaster zone and I'm not looking forward to cleaning it up. Thankfully they made it to their destinations in one piece. I hope the same happens to me once I make my next big decision.

I also might be on the verge of hysterically crying. The sheer absurdity of making these cake pop has broken my brain for a few days. And why try challenging myself this way? What's the point? Half of the cake pops ended up on the floor anyway.

Maybe it was because I saw a few pictures online, read a few different recipes, and wanted to make something just as pretty. It looked easy. They looked yummy. It looked fun.

Well, one and a half out of three ain't bad.

This attempt at cake pops might not have turned out my best, but that's how these things go sometimes. I'll keep trying different ways to make them and maybe one day I'll get the technique down right. I’ll hopefully not make as much of a mess either.

Just like in life.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off), please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to the Darker Side of Things

Halloween is fast approaching! Have you guys picked out a costume yet?

Halloween has always held a special place in my heart. The decorations, the costumes, and the TV specials were always fun this time of year. I loved dressing up for Halloween (still do when I can). I always had to be either something dead or scary. One year, when I was dressed as a vampire, I scared my next door neighbor so bad that he refused to go trick or treating. I think he was barely one or two years old at the time.

Though I love most things about the season, I’m not a huge fan of haunted houses. Don’t get me wrong, the decorations and costumes are fantastic, but I can’t deal with the sensory overload that sometimes happens to me with the flashing lights and loud noises. Plus I really hate jump scares - they’re not actually scary, just startling.

It’s the Halloween aesthetic that I truest find beautiful. The leaves are changing colors, then falling to the ground. The air smells crisp and a little smoky at times. There’s an ever lingering reminder that with life eventually comes death.

I love it.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now, you’d have notice that I really like witches and the Gothic aesthetic. I’m a big sucker for movies like Sleepy Hallow and Bram Stoker’s Dracula (even with the silly accents and over sexual tones). I read the short stories of Edgar Allen Poe and H. P. Lovecraft over and over again.

Death is the overarching theme of the season with some villainy and chaos on the side. I think there’s a reason the Sanderson sisters are so fondly remembered even though they are planning on murdering children in the movie Hocus Pocus. They’re everything fun and evil about the season. They’re threatening, but not too threatening.

For a while now, I’ve been working on creating a collection of poems that I feel fit into the Gothic style. I’ve written about 30 poems so far and, though I’m n where near close yet, I would like to try to get them published next year. I might even include some ink drawings.

A lot of these poems focus on death and what comes after. I take great joy in playing with expectations such as using limericks, tropically a playful or funny poem style, and use that format as though it were on a gravestone.

I’ve been told by a few people that my work can be delightfully demented.

Or maybe I was using that term to describe my sense of writing style. I don’t always like it when something is scary to be scary or depressing to be depressing. That isn’t how I am always able to work through my emotions. I often twist and bend these expressions to where it might take a bit to realize exactly what I’m writing about.

Death can be absurdly funny, like in the movies Scream, Scary Movie, and Final Destination. There’s a part of me that’s satisfied when the villain is killed off for good to triumph, like in Hocus Pocus or pretty much every Disney Villain ever.

There’s nothing wrong with being fascinated with the darker side of things. True crime stories and ghost hunting shows are still popular. There’s a mortician who hosts a YouTube channel and explains different things about her job (it’s called “Ask a Mortician”. People still visit sites of mass destruction, murder, and battlefields whether as reminders of the past or to satisfy a morbid need.

I’m not sure where my fascination with the darkness in life comes from. It could be that I need to have some kind of exposure to the worst side of nature so that I can appreciate the best.

It’s hard to know what to do with extreme negativity when you’re not regularly exposed to it. How do you empathize with an experience you’ve never lived through, but know that other people have? How is it possible to understand another person’s pain when you can’t comprehend where that pain came from?

Seeking out darkness isn’t bad. I find that it’s just another way for me to make peace with the experiences I’ve witness and lived through.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to the Speed of Time

Do you guys remember a time when it felt like the school year would never end? Or when summer vacation seemed to last forever and a day? Does it sometimes feel time is now slipping away faster and faster than it did a decade ago?

Apparently this weird shift in how we perceive time isn't unusual as we age. Scientists seem to think its because our brains prioritizes new memories rather than familiar ones, which makes it seem like our childhood lasted a lot longer than a decade as an adult does.

The sense of loosing time is usually accompanied by a the feelings of regret, melancholy, and the idea that there might be missing. I also start to feel the weight of my mortality.

I'm not old. In the description of this blog, it says that I was somewhere in my twenties, at least when I started it. I'll let you guys speculate on my actual age, but it's not like I've "aged" that. What's five years to someone who has graduated college and ventured forth on their own?

This year is the sixth anniversary since the start of a show called Gravity Falls. It was a fun show on one of the Disney channels about two kids spending a summer with their Great Uncle in the middle of no where Oregon. The creator of the show always knew how it would end and that the story would only encompass one summer. The finale was shown three years ago and it lived up to my expectations.

I think you can still watch it on Hulu.

The reason I bring up this show is because the creator explicitly stated that it was inspired by his own summer vacations with his twin sister. He recalls feeling that summers felt endless and that they would be kids forever.

But nothing lasts forever and all things come to an end.

Just like the creator's summer did. Just like the summer Mable and Dipper Pines had in Gravity Falls (that was also the name of the town the show took place in).

I think that's why I get so sad sometimes. It happens when I realize how long it's been since a major life event happened or an enjoyable tradition ended. Around this time last year, I went to the beach with my mom, sister, and aunt. We used to go every year for two weeks at the end of August to this town in Southern New Jersey. I have very fond memories from this time and occasionally I like to pretend that it's still the 90s or early 2000s. But the reality is that we haven't consistently gone to this beach for at least 12(?), 15(?) years old - well it's been over a decade at least.

These are days where it makes me really sad that I can never go back to those times. It's not the same anymore. Somethings seem to be the same, but I can see where time has taken it's toll. Faded paint on the mini golf course, a new store where the ice cream parlor used to be, and the rides on the boardwalk are a lot smaller than when I was six.

Those exact moments only exist in my memories now.

Memories, though, aren't always a guarantee. There are diseases that can wipe out our fondest memories and others that prevent us from creating new ones. I like to try and record what I can, if for no other reason than writing helps me process the things going on in my life. Most I keep private, but some I share on social media and in my blog posts.

Recently, a cousin of mine passed away. Part of me didn't feel it was real until I attended her memorial service. It felt like I was talking to her not all that long ago, promising to see her again at our next family reunion. Then I remembered that that conversation had happened at my family reunion last August. Part of me still feels like I'll see my cousin in just a couple months.

Though it's been over a decade, I still sometimes hear my grandparent's laughter. I can close my eyes and explore the houses I grew up in, even when I haven't been there in years. They're very clear memories and they don't feel like they happened as long ago as they actually did.

I can only hope to create more memories of the new moments in my life and break away from my day-to-day routine whenever I can. I want to have adventures, see the world, and try everything that I can. I want to build memories and fill my life with lots of stories.

Keeping memories is a lot like writing a novel. We only keep the ones that are important to the story we want to tell. We cut out the mundane, ignore the routine, and exaggerate the awesome.

I hope that when I finish writing my story, it's one that's worth remembering.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to Real Life & Go

Last week, I wrote about how awesome Pokemon Go is. And you know what? I still think this game is pretty awesome. I think Nintendo did something brilliant. People are outside (even in the 90 degree heat we have going on where I am), people are socializing, and people are happy.

Well, not everyone is happy, but you can't make everyone happy.

I think Nintendo was also smart to release the game while millions of American school children were out for summer vacation. This way we're not getting dozens of angry reports about the game disrupting learning time along with the safe driving PSAs and other media hysterics surrounding this game.

Yes, there are problems with Pokemon Go (like not currently being able to trade with other trainers, get that patch up Nintendo). Nothing is prefect. If anything, this game has managed to show some of humanities annoying bad habits (like not taking responsibility for poor decision making skills).

Real life is full of distractions. Pokemon Go is probably one of the better ones (at least it requires people to get exercise). It's important to balance them out with other obligations like work and school. There are many days when I wish my life could be one big fun destruction. I wouldn't have to worry about any responsibilities. I could greet the day and do anything I wanted to (even just stay in bed all day).

But life doesn't work that way.

I've always heard that there are only two guarantees a in life: death and taxes. I'd like to add one more (or make an addendum to the taxes bit). Responsibilities are also a guarantee in life. Yeah, I'm sure a lot of people will argue with me on it. Many people love to point out how irresponsible one generation is or how kids these days don't have the same responsibilities their parents did. But I'd argue back that paying taxes (even the sales kind) is a responsibility.

As much as I'd love to go look for a legendary Pokemon, I still have to pay my bills. Not to mention, make sure that I have plenty of food, a clean house, and go to work. Distractions are great for stress relief, making me happy when I'm upset, and encourage trying new things. They aren't so great when I forget about my responsibilities or cause a serious health concern or injury.

Pokemon Go isn't the first game to cause a media frenzy like this (I seem to recall a lot of attention surrounding World of War Craft many many years ago) and it probably won't be the last (still waiting for a real live Duel Disk to play Duel Monsters with).

Just keep in mind a few things when playing Pokemon Go:

1) Stay in well lit, public areas - I don't care if that Pikachu is down a dark ally with tons of obstacles, don't go for it.

2) Stay off private property - the parody videos are funny, but seriously going to prison because of Pokemon Go doesn't.

3) Pay attention to your surroundings - the game even tells you to do this.

4) The game can't make you do anything - if it looks like the game is leading you into a dangerous situation, don't continue.

5) It's okay to take a break - especially if you don't have an unlimited data plan.

And of course have fun.

I am amazed by the reaction to this game (though maybe I shouldn't be surprised anymore). There's been a lot of good things to come from this game and I hope it continues. After all Pokemon has been around for over 20 years and will likely be around for many more.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me. Until next week.