Welcome to the Quiet Reflection During Hard Times

 This week I was unfortunately laid off...again. 

It's a tough position to be in, especially now. I'm anxious and a bit scared, but I am thankful that I have a wonderful support system who are willing to help me through this. There are many other people in a similar position as myself who can't say that.

It sucks that this happened twice. It sucks that this time I'm facing the added hurdle that is a pandemic. It all around sucks.

As I am not a person who takes idleness well, I have already hit the ground running taking care of updating my resume, job hunting, and all the applications I need to put in now that my work status has changed. At least this time I know more of what I need to and should do.

My knowledge doesn't make the situation any easier. And it's also not just me this time - I have my evil fluffy kitty Karma to worry about.

My list of things I need to do is long and overwhelming. Just thinking about it leaves me wishing to curl up into a tiny ball under a blanket fort and pretend I'm six instead of an adult. But I'm getting them done one item at a time.

Worrying won't fix my situation, but I also can't be constantly working to "fix" it. I'll burn out or turn into a messy pile of shaky bones if I don't take a break every once in a while.

Last night, I needed to take some time to center myself. I grabbed my watercolors, paint brushes, and some washi tape. I cut one of my special art papers into six Polaroid shaped rectangles. Then, I started to paint.

I don't always know what I'm going to create when I put pencil or brush to paper. Sometimes I get inspiration from the colors I pick, other times its an image I've seen that I want to try to recreate. Last night it was a piece of music going through my head. It's a calm song called "The Sixth Station" by Joe Hisaishi and plays at the start of the final third of the movie Spirited Away.

Though not perfect, I am very happy how it turned out

The calming music gave me inspiration. I hummed along with it as I did my best to bring the images in my mind to life on paper. I bobbed and I swayed and I left my mind picture the beautiful image of Chihiro walking along the train tracks covered in water to catch a train.

I love the movie Spirited Away. Chihiro's character grows a lot during the story. There are a lot of unique characters and intense action scenes. Some moments are silly and the animation is wild. But then there are the times when the film is quiet, contemplative. One of those moments is when "The Sixth Station" plays. 

Chihiro is on her way to visit the witch Zeniba - twin sister to the witch, Yubaba, who runs the bathhouse and turned Chihiro's parents into pigs. The scene is beautiful, quiet, and a little melancholic. Chihiro has no idea if Yubaba is going to eat her parents or not. She's worried and scared for her friend Haku. 

However, Chihiro has grown so much since the start of her adventure and this quiet moment is a reflection on all the hard work she's done. There's a chance things may go wrong, but there's an even bigger chance they'll go right.

And [SPOILERS] things go right for Chihiro. She finds a wonderful ally with Zeniba who gives her the courage and wisdom to overcome her last challenge. 

Through all my trials and tribulations over the last two years, I hope that I'm (metaphorically) on my way to visit Zeniba. Yes, there's still a lot of hard work to do. Zeniba puts Chihiro's friends to work, while she sits and thinks on everything she's learned. Chihiro pulls through and I know I will too.

Being laid off is the worst. It's an emotional roller coaster and it's very easy to be left doubting oneself. Taking a quiet moment to reflect or do something that will help relax away the tension is just as important as doing that hard work. 

Muscles tense? Take a hot bubble bath and give yourself a bubble mustache and beard. Mind going a million miles a minute? Take a walk or do a breathing exercise (especially if you find meditating hard).  Find a moment for yourself.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to Eternal Autumn of My 20s

Autumn is beautiful. As I've said many times in past blog, I love this season. Especially if I've been eating nothing but pumpkin food for the entire month of October (which I might have been doing).

It's also been an odd autumn for me this year. 

After getting laid off and attending my sister's wedding, I found myself trying to figure out how to structure my day. There are times when I feel like I have too much time on my hands and I have no idea what to do with myself. However, more and more, I find that I am super busy.

Weekends were the only days during the week where time was my own. They were structured as well, but always filled with things to do. They were rarely ever restful and I often (ironically) would wake up Monday morning wishing I had an extra day to actually rest and stay in bed all day.

I now have that Monday, and Tuesday, and every day through Sunday, and back to Monday again. 

I never stay in bed all day, no matter how much I sometimes want to. I'm usually busy with my future job prospects, keeping my home clean, and trying to keep my mind from getting too wound up. 

I started mentally referring to this time as The Eternal Weekend. 

And though I've been able to get a lot of stuff I want to do done (art, writing, and cooking), I've also been constantly stressed about my future. It's a tough balance.

As I stated when I first got laid off, I have some of the greatest friends and family. They've kept me from isolating myself while job hunting and given me a lot of moral support. This past weekend, my sister came for a visit. Every day that she's been here we've done something fun (and we didn't even go into New York City).

Horseback riding in the fall is amazing!

Corn mazes, horseback riding, and (tonight) a pumpkin blaze in Sleep Hollow. We've watched movies and had fun making pumpkin themed food while drinking pumpkin themed drinks. We've hung out with my friends and gotten lost in the mountains of New Jersey. I've even finally found the infamous Clinton Road (a famous scary road without street lights in northern New Jersey).

I'm glad that it's autumn and that I get to savor every minute of it.

I still want this Eternal Weekend to end.

It will end (hopefully sooner rather than later).

The waiting, the uncertainty, the anxiety are the hardest parts.

I don't know how I'll reflect back on this time in my life. I know that it's been a learning experience, though I'm still not sure yet what I'm learning. But I will take each day as it comes - with one foot in front of the other.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Welcome to the Sudden Changes I Probably Needed...

...but didn't really want.

A few years ago, for LGBTQ+ month, I took the time to watch the six hour HBO miniseries "Angels in America" adapted from the play with the same name by Tony Kushner. I knew very little about the play other than a recommendation in one of Lindsay Ellis's YouTube video essays and by watching Kyle Kallgren's YouTube analysis of it.

I immediately fell in love with the 2 part, 6 episode production. If I ever get the opportunity to see the original play on stage, I will take it in a heart beat.

One of my favorite quotes from the play comes at a point where one character, Harper, is being forced to reevaluate her life and figure out what she wants. She ends up having a conversation with an animated mannequin of a pioneer Mormon woman that goes as follows:

 “Harper: In your experience of the world. How do people change? 

Mormon Mother: Well it has something to do with God so it's not very nice.
God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching.

Harper: And then up you get. And walk around.

Mormon Mother: Just mangled guts pretending.

Harper: That's how people change.”

I was laid off this past week.

It's a little easier to type those words out, now that it's been a few days. When I first got the news, I tried my best to not cry in front of my boss (though I think he knew I was going to), but I couldn't stop all of the tears. I spent the next few days alternating between feeling numb, crying my eyes out, and screaming away my pain.

I knew my current job wasn't going to be forever, I just thought I'd stay on a few more years. I really liked my coworkers and bosses. I liked the work. I wanted things to go a lot differently.

I was content with how my life was going, even if it wasn't perfect.

Tuesday came, and the universe decided I needed a good hard b!tch slap.

Thankfully I'm in a better position than I thought, even if it's been difficult for me to see that through all of my emotions. I have a very loving and supportive family, even if it sometimes feels like they are trying to smother me. And I have some of the most wonderful friends a person could ever ask for.

Everyone is giving me really good advice and assuring me that it's not the end of the world...even if I still somewhat feel it is. I need to process all of my emotions before I can take my next steps.

I have no idea what's going to happen over the next few weeks, let alone the next few months. Well, I do know that my sister needs help with her wedding, so I have that on my agenda.

And I do have some good news to come out of this week. I received my first publication contract. One of my short stories will be appearing in the anthology Hell's Highway. It was wonderful news to come after being laid off.

The Mormon Mother's words on change are graphic, painful, and spot on. My body felt like it was being ripped to pieces on Tuesday.

Today, though I'm still sad and scared about what the future will bring, I'm doing a lot better. I'm more hopeful and positive.

Change is a constant of life. I may be resistant and try to avoid it, but I may have needed it.

Thank you all for reading and if you haven't seen it, please go watch "Angels in America".

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

I might take next week off from writing since I need to dedicate some time to my sister's wedding. So I'll simply say, until next time.