Welcome to Mental Health Wellness Check

Hey!

How's it going?

Are y'all doing okay? Been feeling down at all? Is it hard to get out of bed?

Have you been feeling great? Have you started a new hobby? Or have you lost interest in things you used to love to do?

Are you distracted easily? Sleeping okay? Having any weird or vivid dreams that you want to share? 

I know I'm having a nightmare when the fluffy pink velociraptors with Valley Girl accents show up. A week ago, I had a dream where my mom gave me a very friendly tiger instead of my very fluffy cat and I didn't know what to do with a very friendly tiger that wanted tons of snuggles.

I have weird dreams.

Have you gone out and seen your friends? Made any new friends? Had a falling out you need to talk to someone about?

Are you obsessing over something?

I'm still thinking about the post I wrote last week.

Instead of taking some time to carefully compose what I wanted to say over the course of a couple of days - I impulsively word vomited some thoughts (that I still don't have a conclusive answer for) into the Interweb. 

Memo to me - don't do that again.

Eventually, I'll get over this angsty obsession and find something else to worry about.

Which reminds me of a saying one of my yoga teachers from New Jersey liked to say: "worrying is just payment for a debt you never owed."

At least I think that's what they used to say. I don't have a perfect memory - no one does. But I remember them encouraging me to let go of my worries and focus on the moment. 

I do find myself feeling happier when I slow down to just live in the moment. Today, I spotted a flowering bush with half a dozen swallowtail butterflies flitting about. I stopped and took a couple of pictures, appreciating their graceful movements and fluttering wings. The air was thick, smelling of campfires and newly blossomed flowers. Though the sun was setting, it had a few rays left to warm my skin. A few paces away, two monarch butterflies played tag in the tall grass.

One of the pictures I took.

That was a moment where I let all the background noise in my head fade away and I felt very happy.

Another picture I took. Does anyone know what kind of flower?

Have you had any moments like that recently?

On Friday, I went to the doctor's for my annual exam. I was nervous going. The pandemic hadn't been kind to my physical and mental health. But it's important to go. So that's what I did.

Part of my visit included a screening for depression. 

That was new. I know that a lot of studies have come out about how the past year and a half has wrecked a lot of people's mental health and depression is on the rise. I answered the questions honestly and had a conversation with my doctor about options to keep my mental health in check. She had a lot of information and happily provided me with resources. 

I'm glad depression, anxiety, and other mental health ailments are being taken seriously. I've been working on my mental health for a few years now, so I've become a bit blasé to my problems. But I remember how difficult it was to take that first step. I almost didn't. It took me crying in the car with my aunt on the phone for me to understand that I had to. My aunt had to help me make the appointment to see the doctor. 

It's okay to be nervous about admitting that you need help. It's intimidating to answer the doctor's questions. But without honesty, doctor's can't (or won't) help you.

So, take a moment. See how you're doing. Don't be ashamed if you're having trouble. It's okay to get help. It's okay to go to therapy.

How are you doing?

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week. 

Welcome to Changing Times and Literature

7/21/2021 - update. The most I think about this blogpost the more I am dissatisfied by it. I wrote this as more of me "thinking out loud" than trying to make an argument.  I'm not sure that the idea of updating books in the public domain to match modern language necessarily good or bad. I know I've struggled with books that were written 100 years ago because the language is very different from today. If they don't have updated language, then a guide and/or glossary should probably be included (it's the only way that I got through The Prince). If an author is still alive, a book should NOT be modified without their permission, but if they want to update their own books that's up to them (George Lucas has had varying success with the Star Wars movies).

I’ve started reading two books that were written in a very different time than the one that we are currently living in. One is an advice book on how to be an adult that was written in 2013. The other is about a dog parodying Proust’s writing style written in the 1990s (at least I think it was written in the 1990s because the language sometimes feels much older - like 1940s or 50s).

And I can’t help but noticing how dated their language is in places.

The 2010s was a rollercoaster ride for social movements and major events. And reading these books shows how much the United States (at least has changed). It’s not that these are bad books. It’s just that some of their humor and word choices have not aged well. The advice in the book from 2013, for example, is still fairly relevant to people moving away from home for the first time - just not all of it. And I can’t help but cringe at some of the humor. The dog book uses descriptions that may be accurate (like using the female word for a dog that is offensive to human ladies), but stick out like bad haircut in that one selfie you can’t escape. 

I almost wish I could read these books with 2021 language. 

That’s not to say that all books written in the past need to have their language updates. I’ve read plenty of books (even from a hundred plus years ago) that had language that was clearly from the era it was written in. If their language was updated to 2021 standards, it would probably take me out of the story.

However, that doesn’t mean that some language, especially language which is found to be very offensive, shouldn’t be updated. A few years ago, I remember hearing about a controversy about updating Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn to include less offensive language. Though it’s true that Mark Twain wrote that book to mimic the way people spoke (at that time in Missouri), I could barely read it and stopped less than half way through.  Between the offensive language and off syntax, I lost interest in one of “the American Classics”.

There are some publishers who have gone a head and updated their books as times have changed. Most notably are the girl detective series Nancy Drew. 

This is the version of the book I am most familiar with.

I grew up reading the Nancy Drew books. In fact, they were what motivated me to improve my reading I the first place. However, the books I read in the late 90s and early 2000s had been revised significantly from their original publication in the 1930s. 

The first major revisions began in the 50s, 60s, and 70s. Many of the plots were updated to be less violent, sexist, and even racist (dang! Nancy, not you too!). Modernization has continued, though nothing as dramatic from the first major revisions. Thankfully, modernization hasn't gone too far. Nancy’s original stories mostly take place in a timeless spot somewhere between the American 30s and 60s. I don’t think I would have enjoyed too much modernization in the original novels. 

I don’t know if this is the latest version of the cover or not but it embraces the 30s/40s

However, like Scooby Doo, the Nancy Drew books get a facelift ever decade or so. And I really can’t complain because these are mostly marketed as new stories. I remember the first I’ve I picked up a Nancy Drew book and she was solving a murder in Paris.  To my young mind, Nancy Drew didn’t solve murders - that was Poirot or Ms. Marples. She also didn’t have a cell phone or laptop.

The Nancy Drew games have done a fantastic job keeping up with modernization and even remastering and updating the older games. It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I’ve been impressed with he effort the Nancy Drew game developers have done to keep the famous girl detective relevant to new audiences.

 Modernization can be hit and miss. Some books pull off timeless story telling. Some books and stories are clearly products of their time. However, if we want to keep certain classics in the public eye, we’ve gotta get rid of the offensive language or be very careful how we teach the material. Certain references and jokes may age poorly, some may become the signifier of a generation.

After all we still read and preform Shakespeare (though my 12th grade class had a lot of trouble with Hamlet before our teacher found a recorded copy for us to listen to).

What are y’all’s thoughts on modernizing literature. If it’s super popular should it be updated every decade or so to make sure language is understood and inoffensive? Should books be products of their time? Who has the final say?

And this just doesn’t apply to books. It can apply to video games (already mention), comics, movies, etc. I’m just using books in this post.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me.

Welcome to a Train Wreck Life

For the past few weeks, I have been a spectator to YouTube drama.  Normally, I wouldn’t be interested in this type of “drama” (there are other types of drama I’m more likely to pop popcorn for). This instance peaked my interest for a couple of reasons and since then, I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole trying to understand the whys of the situation.

Basically a YouTuber I had no interest in (let’s call them YouTuber 1), decided to go after a YouTuber I do like (they’ll be YouTuber 2) because YouTuber 1 didn’t like the review YouTuber 2 gave their poetry collections.  Now, I’d watched YouTuber 2’s reviews on these books (I am somewhat invested in the literary side of YouTube - also called “BookTube” - to better understand my writing craft). YouTuber 2 did a fantastic job critiquing the collections and even gave great advice on how YouTuber 1 could improve (one reason I watch YouTuber 2).

YouTuber 1 evidently didn’t like being critiqued. From what I’ve seen seen in the past week, YouTuber 1 can’t handle any kind of criticism. They only like praise. So, about six months after YouTuber 2 posted their videos, YouTuber 1 ranted about the review and sent their fans to harass YouTuber 2. This has set off a whole chain of events that has left me mortified, entertained, and a little terrified.

My accidental deep dive has lead me to the conclusion that YouTuber 1 is a train wreck about to happen. They appear to be trying to take as many people with them as possible, but the people YouTuber 1 is targeting aren’t in really in the wrong. All YouTuber 1 is doing is self destructing and alienating everyone who was ever their friend.  

Holy crap has it been a crazy train…

And I can’t look away.

Why can’t I look away?

These past few weeks, I’ve also been watching the Disney+ show Loki.

I dedicate my life to this version of Loki.

Coincidentally, the show Loki is also about a train wreck of a person blaming everyone but themselves for their problems. Each episode has forced the title character, Loki, to face their bad behavior, realize they aren’t special, and try to become a better version of themselves (which is very much a work in progress).

*Note the following will have some spoilers for the first five episodes of Loki. Additionally, I plan on providing some of my own theories for the sixth and final episode for this run. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*

Loki’s journey to understanding themself starts in the first episode when they are confronted with their mother’s death (which they are responsible for), their father’s acceptance and death, and their own death. The second episode has them learning of the future destruction of their home world and the fact that at least one version of themselves is a girl. We find out in episode 3, that the girl version has shed her Loki identity and renamed herself Sylvie. Effectively, Loki is her dead name and from this point on Sylvie is Sylvie (this is an example of a transgender story so I really hope Disney doesn’t mess this up).

So, the first three episodes, Loki is confronted with their lack of uniqueness, their narcissism, and their total lack of self awareness. 

Then we get to episode four and this is where our favorite train wreck God of Mischief finally begins to accept that how they behave is a problem and they need to change. First their new friend, Mobius, gets mad at Loki for lying to and abandoning him. Morpheus calls Loki a “bad friend” and shoves him into a time loop where Loki sees his old…friend (?) - I don’t think Sif and Loki were ever friends, but it’s the closest I’ve got - Sif after they had cut her hair. Sif kicks Loki for the offense, tells them that they’ll always be alone, and stomps away. Loki, at first scoffs, states that they remember this event and that they then had a bath and a glass of wine. Loki feels justified, until Sif shows up again. The whole scene plays out a couple of times, which tells the audience that this is a time loop. Loki is stuck their for a while.

Eventually, Mobius let’s Loki out, but not before Loki confesses to being a narcissist and scared of being alone. Mobius tells Loki he believes them and that they are going to go rescue Sylvie together.  And this is when (SPOILERS) Mobius is disintegrating right in front of Loki. The first person that Loki cares about as a friend (or maybe more than if Disney would have allowed it…grrr) and is cared about in return, is violently “killed” in front of them. Loki is in visible distress, nearly crying.

It is at this point in the episode that I am screaming at the screen for someone to get Loki into therapy. They clearly need it.

The episode ends with Loki getting disintegrated in front of Sylvie. A mid credit scene shows us they’re not actually dead (go figure), just in a place called “the void” surrounded by other Lokis.

Episode five has probably the most needed character development that Loki has long needed. Since Loki is notorious for surviving, this void is filled with Lokis (including an alligator version that is there because they ate the wrong neighbor’s cat and is totally my favorite - someone get me a plushy!). The more of them Loki is confronted with, the more embarrassed Loki is for themselves.

My favorite line from this episode comes from Classic Loki:

“We cannot change. We’re broken, every version of us. Forever. And whenever one of us dares try to fix themselves, they’re sent here to die.“

Loki eventually realizes that every version of themself is capable of great things if they want to. Our Loki and Sylvie go off to finish off the big bad while Mobius (he’s actually still alive by the way), kid Loki, and alligator Loki go to take down Mobius’s old work place. Mobius and Loki share a very emotional hug (which should have been a kiss) and part ways. 

This leads us to episode six and why I’m tying my weird obsession with this YouTube “drama” together.

As of writing and posting this blog, episode six hasn’t aired. I’m sure I’ll be an emotional wreck, seeking out fanfiction once I watch it, but until then I have my own speculations and they loosely tie in with YouTuber 1. 

YouTuber 1 is acting and displaying behavior a lot like Loki from the beginning of his MCU story. It’s not a direct one to one parallel - it can’t be - but part of me wonders what would happen if YouTuber 1 was placed into a situation like we see Loki in at the beginning of their TV series. Would YouTuber 1 learn the same lessons as Loki? I don’t know.

But I can say how cathartic it is to watch Loki get Hulk smashed at the end of the first Avengers movie after being such a terrible person (and fantastic villain) throughout the story.  Now, I don’t want YouTuber 1 to get Hulk smashed, but I do want to find out what the consequences for their actions will be. 

I don’t know YouTuber 1 personally, but so much of their life is online and they don’t hide anything. They just blame their mental illness - which is another major issue I have with them - for their bad behavior. I want to know the end of this story (someone compared it to a Greek tragedy and it really appears to be).

And that’s why I don’t think I can look away. There’s so much that’s unbelievable in this story. I want YouTuber 1 to realize that they are not being a good person…let alone a good friend. I want them to have the character journey that Loki is having in the Loki TV show. I highly doubt that this is going to happen.

Heck, I doubt I’ll get a cathartic ending to the YouTube story at all.

I might get one for Loki.

*HERE’S WHERE I SPECULATE ON THE FINAL LOKI EPISODE*

If I were the writer of the Loki tv show, I would end the series with the big bad being revealed to be…another Loki.

Why?

Because who better to mess up a person’s life than themselves. I should know, I’m really good at messing up my own life.

My theory has been really well set up in the story. The dialogue all points to Loki always messing up his own life and when they try to change, they aren’t allowed to by the mysterious organization…the TVA. They’re also so into themselves that they might fall in love with themselves (granted this could be a metaphor for self love, but I don’t think that’s where this is going). 

Who better to run the TVA than someone who wants total control of the universe than an egotistical narcissist like Loki from the Avengers?

This is the ending I think we need for Loki. They’ve come to understand how awful they’ve been, they want to change for the better, have realized that what they want and what they need are very different things, and are ready to confront the big bad. And it would be awesome if that big bad was another version of themselves. What a perfect ending to a story about personal growth, change, and owning the bad things done.

Is that the ending we’re going to get?

I hope so, but the MCU is big on bringing in other villains to tie into their upcoming movies. So it could be some random person from out of nowhere that will fight Dr. Strange in a few months.

If I’m right about my theory, I will be rejoicing like crazy (because it’s the story the MCU Loki deserves). If it’s not, I’ll be grumbling about it somewhere on the Internet and hoping fanfiction authors write some good “fix it” stories.

I know YouTuber 1 isn’t going to have this story…even if I think they might benefit from it. Hopefully they get off the Internet and get the help they need. I hope that the people hurt by this heal. I may want to know how it all ends, but I don’t need to and it’s really none of my business. It’s just on the Internet.

Let me know you’re Loki theories.

Until next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you guys like hearing from me.

Some extra notes: you guys might be wondering why I use the “they” pronoun this post. For the YouTubers, it’s because I don’t want their names and/or genders known. They don’t know who I am and I’d like to stay far away from them knowing me. 

I chose to use the pronoun “they” for Loki for a couple of reasons, not least of which because I do see Loki the character as gender fluid. The actor who plays Loki, Tom Huddleston, has mentioned that he views Loki as gender fluid. I wanted to acknowledge that in this post.