Welcome To Your Identity

 It's Never What You Think...

I was thinking about writing about my war on UPS this week, but then bunch of odd coincidences happened that have caused this post to steer in a completely different direction. I don’t know if anyone else who is a recent graduate is going through this, but I am finding the more people I talk to, the more they also feel uncertain about their future. I am not just talking about losing a job or going through a tough time. I mean that there is a whole future ahead of them and they have no idea what to do with it. 

I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who I am and who I want to be. I know who I was in college and high school. Heck I may have had a small identity crisis when I was seven (I somehow never realized until then what gender I actually was). From that small stepping stone I was able to shape who I was up until middle school. When high school started I decided that I didn’t care anymore what people thought about me. I tried to keep my head down and concentrate on my studies (anyone heard of the IB program?).  I did manage to make a small name for myself senior year by becoming the head of the Model United Nations Club. It was stressful and fun. 

My college identity was fairly similar to my high school one. I was somewhat unconcerned with my (nonexistent) reputation and I wanted to focus on my studies. I did have to get my ego deflated a little bit, but I tried to just enjoy my time and not flunk out. College was great for self exploration and sometimes I wish I had done more. Now I’m just not sure what I want or who I want to be. 

Alright I sometimes imagine myself as future queen of the world, but it’s just a fantasy. I don’t think I would like the lime light. I over analyze myself way too much; I don’t need the media to add to it. 

At the moment I would describe my mental state as standing at a crossroads on a foggy night without a flashlight (though I'm not there to make a deal with a devil). I know where I am and where I came from, but I have no idea which direction I should take or where it might lead. I would also compare myself to Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. I find I take myself way too seriously and nothing seems to go the way I plan. Luckily I also have a great group of people who have my back. 

I hope to eventually get my bearings and blaze a trail for my life. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that life has totally passed me by. At the same time I don’t want everything planned out so that I never have anything spontaneous happen. I need a balance of both. As my uncle said, "sometimes I wish I was five years old again and could get on my bike and just ride without a care in the world."

I think all of these introspective posts are happening because a lot of things have been going on. I've started meditating and it is helping me calm down and clear my mind. Thank you all for reading. I hope this helps someone other than myself.