Welcome to Another Haunted Mansion Adaptation

 Dear Disney,

I'd like to lodge a complaint - and no, this isn't about the love-hate relationship I already have with you. This is about your treatment of one of the best and most popular Disney attractions: The Haunted Mansion.

Look, as a kid, I was terrified of the place. My young self shrunk back from the ghouls trying to escape their coffins, covered my eyes when Constance showed up, and nearly jumped out of the doom buggy when the hitchhiking ghosts joined us on our way out. 

I also freaking loved it.

The Haunted Mansion is my favorite attraction at Disney World.

I am aware that this is the Disneyland one.

Sadly, I've only ever ridden the one in Disney World. When I tried to ride the one at Disneyland, Jack Skellington and the cast from Nightmare Before Christmas had taken it over - not that that was a bad thing. I just wish I had had the opportunity to see the original Haunted Mansion in her glory.

But that's not why I'm writing you today. 

I'm deeply disappointed in the number of attempts (and failures) you have made to create an adequate Haunted Mansion adaptation. The closest you have come so far might be the "Haunted Mansion" graphic novel by Joshua Williamson and illustrated by Jorge Coelho. I enjoy that graphic novel and love the little extra details (like a reference to the Matterhorn) that are sprinkled in. I think the ending is lame.

The 2003 film adaptation had a lot of promise. The opening 5 minutes was beautifully done and the scene in the mausoleum with the zombies totally scared pre-teen me. However, the humor is lukewarm, the acting is subpar, and the overall story doesn't gel very well with the ride's canon. What I mean is, the ghosts aren't trapped in the Haunted Mansion - they're perfectly happy to be there! 

Get this detail right Disney!

And now we come to the most disappointing Haunted Mansion adaptation to date. The Muppets have done a lot of great adaptations. My two favorites are Muppet Treasure Island and The Muppet's Christmas Carol. This mashup had the potential to be fantastic.

It wasn't. 

First of all 40 minutes felt both too long and too short for this special. Too long because I just wanted it to end by the half hour mark and too short because a well done story with a fleshed out plot would have been great. 

The next big misstep was having Gonzo go with Pepe. I'm not a huge fan of Pepe the Shrimp. I much prefer Rizzo the Rat (we have the same characteristic of being food obsessed). Rizzo also has a personality that plays off of Gonzo a lot better than Pepe.

Third, there needed to be more time spent with the whole Muppet cast. Not everyone needs a starring role. In fact, I like it when Gonzo is the focus of the story. But Kermit, Miss. Piggy, and the rest of the cast needed a bit more to their roles than passing cameos and a brief show number. I think it would have been way more interesting if the whole cast had either been happy haunts or thrown a party there.

Next, the songs weren't memorable at all. Maybe the first one in the graveyard, but it doesn't compare to "One More Sleep to Christmas" or "Cabin Fever". 

Fifth, too much focus on Constance. There are other ghosts that are way more interesting than her murderous specter. 

Finally, and most importantly, Disney keeps forgetting that the ghosts at the Haunted Mansion are "happy haunts". They are happy to be in the mansion - okay Constance is murderous, I don't know if that makes her happy. They're not trapped. They "retired" there. They enjoy and entertain themselves by giving tours and scaring the pants off of the living.

Why is this a difficult concept?

Disney, you had the potential for a great mashup between the Muppets and one of the most iconic attractions at your parks. Why didn't you get this right?

I guess I'll just keep going back to the awesome (though unofficial) creepypastas "Grad Night at the Haunted Mansion" and "The Man with the Cane". Their author(s) clearly understand and love the two Disney attractions. They're scary stories that are also super entertaining.

So, Disney, get your act together and make an adaptation worthy of the 999 happy haunts at the Haunted Mansion.

Your (reluctant) fan,

AJB

P.S. If you liked this blog post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to More Muppet Movies

Happy Easter everyone!

And to avoid controversy, I'm going to talk about fan casting the Muppets into stories. This should go well.

Every once in a while, I'll see people put together their perfect Muppet cast for one of their favorite stories. They'll usually have one of their favorite actors be the only non-Muppet in the cast (though there can be more) and then fill in the rest of the characters with Muppets. Fights will ensue as commenters clash and their dream Muppet team is torn to shreds.

A lot of this is for Lord of the Rings Muppets.

I wasn't a huge Muppet kid, though I did grow up with some of the later movies like Muppet Treasure Island (that one is the perfect Muppet movie and can never be remade) and the occasional episode of Sesame Street. I was more familiar with the Muppet's 3D show at Disney World...and to some extent Muppet Babies.

But it wasn't until I was much older that I started watching the old Muppet TV show and the movies. Other than my love of Muppet Treasure Island, I have a special fondness for Muppets From Space - aka, the one where we learn where Gonzo comes from - and Muppet Christmas Carol. I also remember seeing the Muppets Wizard of Oz when it premiered on TV.

Additionally, if they count, I've seen The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth many times. I'm more confused by The Dark Crystal than entertained by it and find that I've watched it a few times to simply understand what is going on. Labyrinth is another masterpiece that I love to pieces and see something new every time I watch it. David Bowie cannot be replaced as Jareth, but I have a short list of actors who I will accept in a remake, reboot, or sequel. 

Wait....

Where was I?

Oh, right, Muppet movies that I'd like to see made.

I recently watched The Great Muppet Caper and think this would be a fun one to have a sequel to (see what I did there - wacka wacka wacka). All the cameos are perfect and Diana Riggs is the real treasure. Plus, I love it when human actors fall in love with Miss. Piggy and would love for that to happen again. 

I understand that Muppets Most Wanted might be a bit of a spiritual successor (though it's really a sequel to the 2011 The Muppets movie), but I think there are ways we could add the Caper story.

For example, let's make it with the Night at the Museum team. Basically, the Muppets would have to stop the cursed Hope Diamond from being stolen. Ben Stiller as Larry Daley would be our main human "good guy character". Our bad guy could be one of several human actors as well. My short list includes Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Daniel Craig. The bad guys must again flirt with Miss. Piggy (now married to Kermit). Or maybe have all three of them as a bad guy team up - yes, this is a better idea.

I also wouldn't mind a Muppet Austen interpretation. Like Kermit as Mr. Darcy and Miss. Piggy as Elizabeth. Robin would be Georgiana (with a wig). For the rest of the sisters, Janice as Jane (ergo Mr. Teeth will be Bingly...or maybe Rowlf?). Skeeter dressed as Scooter for Mary. The other two could be new Muppets. 

I have no idea who would be Wickham...let's have them be the human actor. 

But Gonzo should be Mr. Collins with Camilla the Chicken as Charlotte. That is clearly the match we are all rooting for.

For a Halloween special, I'd love to see the Muppets take on a classic Hollywood horror story. Like having Miss. Piggy as Mina, Kermit as Johnathan Harker, Janice as Lucy, Gonzo, Rizzo, and Fozzie as Lucy's boyfriend squad, and the human (maybe get Gary Oldman to reprise the role) as Dracula. 

(Edit: Animal is Renfield by order of my friend Jeff...can’t believe I left this out originally).

I'd also take an interstation of Phantom of the Opera with the ghost haunting their new show location, setting their sites on Miss. Piggy as the lovely, but still sassy Christine. 

I know! We need the Muppets Three Musketeers! 

Kermit is Athos. Gonzo is Aramis. Fozzie is Porthos. Rizzo is D'artagnan. The king can be Sam the Eagle (I knew I'd find a role for him yet). M'Lady is Miss. Piggy (she'll get a redemption arc). Bad guy again is human - someone who can really ham it up and chew the scenery... Nathan Lane! 

When we get right down to it, the Muppets could do any number of versions of stories and make them amazingly entertaining. Yeah the Lord of the Rings lists will pop up every now and then (come on guys Kermit has to be Aragorn because Miss. Piggy was born to play Arwen), but I have so many other stories that I want to see get the Muppets treatment. 

Do you guys have a story that you'd like to see the Muppets turn into a classic movie? Do you disagree with any of my ideas (you can disagree, but know that since this is my blog, I am - of course - right)? Are you a Disney executive here to steal my ideas?

Let me know in the comments section. I expect royalties Disney!

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week.