Welcome to Another Haunted Mansion Adaptation

 Dear Disney,

I'd like to lodge a complaint - and no, this isn't about the love-hate relationship I already have with you. This is about your treatment of one of the best and most popular Disney attractions: The Haunted Mansion.

Look, as a kid, I was terrified of the place. My young self shrunk back from the ghouls trying to escape their coffins, covered my eyes when Constance showed up, and nearly jumped out of the doom buggy when the hitchhiking ghosts joined us on our way out. 

I also freaking loved it.

The Haunted Mansion is my favorite attraction at Disney World.

I am aware that this is the Disneyland one.

Sadly, I've only ever ridden the one in Disney World. When I tried to ride the one at Disneyland, Jack Skellington and the cast from Nightmare Before Christmas had taken it over - not that that was a bad thing. I just wish I had had the opportunity to see the original Haunted Mansion in her glory.

But that's not why I'm writing you today. 

I'm deeply disappointed in the number of attempts (and failures) you have made to create an adequate Haunted Mansion adaptation. The closest you have come so far might be the "Haunted Mansion" graphic novel by Joshua Williamson and illustrated by Jorge Coelho. I enjoy that graphic novel and love the little extra details (like a reference to the Matterhorn) that are sprinkled in. I think the ending is lame.

The 2003 film adaptation had a lot of promise. The opening 5 minutes was beautifully done and the scene in the mausoleum with the zombies totally scared pre-teen me. However, the humor is lukewarm, the acting is subpar, and the overall story doesn't gel very well with the ride's canon. What I mean is, the ghosts aren't trapped in the Haunted Mansion - they're perfectly happy to be there! 

Get this detail right Disney!

And now we come to the most disappointing Haunted Mansion adaptation to date. The Muppets have done a lot of great adaptations. My two favorites are Muppet Treasure Island and The Muppet's Christmas Carol. This mashup had the potential to be fantastic.

It wasn't. 

First of all 40 minutes felt both too long and too short for this special. Too long because I just wanted it to end by the half hour mark and too short because a well done story with a fleshed out plot would have been great. 

The next big misstep was having Gonzo go with Pepe. I'm not a huge fan of Pepe the Shrimp. I much prefer Rizzo the Rat (we have the same characteristic of being food obsessed). Rizzo also has a personality that plays off of Gonzo a lot better than Pepe.

Third, there needed to be more time spent with the whole Muppet cast. Not everyone needs a starring role. In fact, I like it when Gonzo is the focus of the story. But Kermit, Miss. Piggy, and the rest of the cast needed a bit more to their roles than passing cameos and a brief show number. I think it would have been way more interesting if the whole cast had either been happy haunts or thrown a party there.

Next, the songs weren't memorable at all. Maybe the first one in the graveyard, but it doesn't compare to "One More Sleep to Christmas" or "Cabin Fever". 

Fifth, too much focus on Constance. There are other ghosts that are way more interesting than her murderous specter. 

Finally, and most importantly, Disney keeps forgetting that the ghosts at the Haunted Mansion are "happy haunts". They are happy to be in the mansion - okay Constance is murderous, I don't know if that makes her happy. They're not trapped. They "retired" there. They enjoy and entertain themselves by giving tours and scaring the pants off of the living.

Why is this a difficult concept?

Disney, you had the potential for a great mashup between the Muppets and one of the most iconic attractions at your parks. Why didn't you get this right?

I guess I'll just keep going back to the awesome (though unofficial) creepypastas "Grad Night at the Haunted Mansion" and "The Man with the Cane". Their author(s) clearly understand and love the two Disney attractions. They're scary stories that are also super entertaining.

So, Disney, get your act together and make an adaptation worthy of the 999 happy haunts at the Haunted Mansion.

Your (reluctant) fan,

AJB

P.S. If you liked this blog post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week.