Though sometimes I wish I were still that young adult just trying to figure out College and what it meant to be a “grown up”. My memories and feelings of that time are happy and hopeful. I wish I could take what I know today and go back to that young version of me.
But that’s not possible. The past is the past while the future remains undefined.
I get wrapped up thinking about the past when I feel like this. I wrote a slightly different post for today, showed it to my cousin, and she said that I sounded very melancholy about everything. I admit, I have been feeling melancholic. There’s a lot going on in the world and little seems good. I’m disappointed and feel let down by things beyond my control. I’m even having a hard time feeling comfort from some of my favorite escapist fantasies.
I don’t want to be stuck in melancholy for too much longer. I know that these feelings happen to me around this time of year. The sun is at its furthest from the northern hemisphere and it’s way too cold to spend much time outside. I struggle to get into the festive mood.
It despite the darkness, I know that the days will start getting longer again.
Yesterday was I celebrated Yule, or the winter solstice. It’s officially winter and the start of a new season. Hanukkah starts at sundown. Christmas is on Wednesday. Kwanza starts Thursday. It’s a time for endings and new beginnings.
2020 is a special year. It’s not just the start of a new year, a new decade. The Chinese zodiac resets itself this year and will be the first animal once again, The Year of The Rat. It represents a new day, a new beginning.
Despite all the signs pointing to new beginnings, I still feel like I’m being tangled up by a past I want to leave behind. Social media isn’t helping. Every day Facebook shows me a “memory” or an old post from years ago. Most of these reminders are of happy moments in my life and I start to feel nostalgic for a time that never really existed. Twitter is a cesspool of debate and anger over fandoms and franchises that are decades old. Too much fan service. Too much disappointment. Too many bitter words that taint precious memories.
Is this what it means to be an adult? Will I always feel a constant longing to relive the past, while at the same theme anxious for a better future? Will I keep having the present reality dissolve my happy childhood memories of the things I loved?
Probably. Other people express these feelings one way or another. There are entire TV shows and movies about this subject.
I just don’t want to be consumed by the feelings.
2020 is a chance for me to take all my past experiences and apply them to something new. I know I won’t feel the way I do all the time, but these feelings won’t disappear for good either. To quote one of my favorite Christmas stories: “I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.”
If I want a better future, I have to build it from what I’ve learned from the past, while also acknowledging how I’m doing in the present.
Onward to 2020. May it be a wonderful year, a wonderful decade, and a wonderful new beginning.
Also let’s bring back Jazz!
If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope you like hearing from me.
Until the new year!
No comments:
Post a Comment