Welcome to the Change that Wasn’t

I know it’s a weird title. Especially since last week I wrote how change is everywhere and needs to be embraced to reach fullest potential. So, why this title?

I often treat change like a life altering event. Sort of a one time shift in my life and everything will be different. Except that’s not how change works,  nor is that how change should be treated.

How many times have I told myself that by X date I will do Y thing, only for me to forget two weeks down the line and realized I’ve missed my deadline?

Too many to count.

And I bet dolllars to donuts that you guys (my readers) have too. These are the changes we are conscious of. The ones we try to plan for, but rarely have the opportunity to follow through with because life gets in the way. Sometimes I’m disappointed that I didn’t follow up with this plan, while others feel so trivial by the time I remember them.

When I moved to New Jersey, I made a rough sketch of my plan for the next five years. I thought I had the whole thing figured out. I’d take the GRE, find a Masters program (though in what was flexible), and move again to be near one of my parents.

I’m now three years into that five year plan and I’ve done maybe two things that I had listed out. Neither of those two things turned out remotely how I thought they would. In fact, looking back on it, I’ve had so many other changes to manage that I pretty much have to scrap that plan all together.

Change still happened, even if it wasn’t the change I was looking for.

There are quite a few days were I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much and others where I hardly recognize my current self from how I was a year ago. I don’t notice my changes from day to day, but I occasionally realize that the person I was a year ago would have made a very different choice than the choice I ended up making.

Subconsciously or consciously, change happens. One day, I’m pretty sure I’m going to wake up and wonder why my mid-twenties self ever thought they’d always feel so out of focus.

It’s LGBTQ+ Pride Month in the USA and some people might be thinking of coming out to their friends and family. It might seem like everything from that point on will change, and it might. It’s unfortunate and disheartening that the LGBTQ+ community continues to face prejudice and stigma.  But being true to yourself is even more important and I’ve found that most people are accepting and happy for others who are able embrace who they are.

I can’t help being me no more than a tree can help being a tree.

If you’re in the LGBTQ+ community and need someone to talk to, please feel free to call a hotline such as the Trevor Project (866 488 7386) or reach out to a local support group such as a local GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) chapter.

Until next week.

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