Welcome to the Kid’s Made For TV Halloween

 I honestly can think of a better title.

When I was still in elementary school (nearly thirty years ago…shivers), I took an early October trip to Disney World. This was before Halloween had really taken off into the phenomenon at theme parks it is today and Disney World was focused on its 25th anniversary celebrations (yes, I saw the Pink Castle).

While on that trip, I first road the Tower of Terror…and didn’t like it. I was pretty young and it was before Disney had changed the ride to its modern (less intense) setting. I much preferred the spooky Haunted Mansion.

However, since it was close to Halloween, Disney played its first (made for TV) movie about one of its park ride, The Tower of Terror (1997), on one of their channels. It starred Steve Gutenberg (whom I knew from Three Men and a Baby) and a very young Kirsten Dunst. Did it scare me? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Much more than the ride. 

For a long time I thought the movie was a fever dream. It was rarely shown on TV and might have become part of childhood lore without the advent of the Internet. In the early Wild West days of YouTube, I found someone who uploaded the whole movie - in multiple ten minute parts. It was eventually taken down (like many of those early YouTube bootlegged movies) and I struggled to find a copy, even through Amazon, until I found a bare bones DVD at Target. I grabbed a copy.

Guys, this movie still hasn’t been added to Disney+. 

The Haunted Mansion has TWO theatrical movies! Why can’t we get a new Tower of Terror. The ride has as much of a cult following as Haunted Mansion.

I digress.  

The Tower of Terror isn't the only made for TV movie that shaped my childhood. It especially isn't the only Halloween themed made for TV movie that I anxiously hoped to see year after year. So today, I bring you a list of made for TV and direct to video/DVD movies that shaped younger years during the month of October. 

This list will not include long episodes of shows (sorry "House of Villains" fans) nor will I include anything I can't fully prove existed (I guess this means I have to leave off the "Are You Afraid of the Dark" TV movie I swear existed). All of these movies were made in the 1990s to early 2000s. These are in no particular order. 

1. The Tower of Terror - since I started this post with a rambling explanation on my early memories and quest to find this movie, I might as well mention it first. This movie is spooky with a few intense scenes (spoilers: the elevator falls at a couple of points in the plot). Though there isn't any reference to the TV show "The Twilight Zone" - which the ride supposedly lives in - it keeps a lot of the same plot points in the ride's story. Kids over the age of 7 or 8 should be okay to see it. Sadly, Disney has given this movie the "Disney House of Mouse" treatment and pretends it doesn't exist.
2. Halloweentown 1, 2, and High - Nothing says Halloween more to a 90s and 2000s kid than one of the Halloweentown movies. I'm particularly fond of the first two movies (maybe because I really liked Marnie and Luke as a couple). I'm including Halloweentown High because it's one of my sibling's favorites. I'm glad Debbie Reynolds was in these movies as she brings a bit of cozy class among all the fun camp. No Halloween is complete without watching at least one of the movies. We do not acknowledge Return to Halloweentown. 
3. Don't Look Under the Bed - Disney Channel Original Movies are going to pop up a lot on this list and this is one of the best in their horror category. Though not scary for adults, this movie was eventually pulled from the October rotation because of parents complaining about how the movie scared their kids. There are plenty of intense scenes, especially when Boogeyman/Boogey-person shows up. This movie is primarily about how forcing kids to grow up too fast is bad for their emotional development (it's not explicitly stated, but it is heavily implied) and that children shouldn't have to step into an adult role when they are clearly not ready for it. It was one of my favorites as a kid and I honestly thought it was lost media until Disney+ finally added it to its library. 
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman - if ever there was a love letter to the Universal Wolfman movies, this is that movie - which might surprise some of you. Alvin, Simon, and Theodor are in a school production of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", but when Alvin is banded from all things spooky due to nightmares, Theodor steps up into the Mr. Hyde role. At first timid, Theodor's attitude changes overnight after getting bitten by a "dog". Alvin and Simon visit Madam Raya - an Elvira like character - who tell them to bop Theodor on the head with something silver to save him. Luckily, their next door name, Mr. Lawrence Talbot, has a cane with a silver wolf head that was originally a bullet that killed his great grandfather. Are you seeing where this plot is going? I still enjoy this movie and watch it every year (I have it on DVD). The songs are kind of catchy and there's plenty of fun chaos with only a couple of intense moments. This is a good introduction horror movie to little ones. 
5. Scooby Doo on Zombie Island/Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost - technically these are two separate movies, but I'm counting them together because they are part of the four movie series that kicked off the 2000s revamp of Scooby Doo. They are not long episodes. They are stand alone movies that share a universe. Zombie Island is a straight up horror movie. As the name implies there are zombies roaming an island. Many a parent thought they were putting on a fun Scooby Doo movie only to scar their kid for life with Zombie Island. Witch's Ghost isn't as scary as Zombie Island, but this movie is all about the fall. It takes place in a small New England town haunted by a witch who reminiscent of the Salem witch trials. This movie also introduced the Hex Girls - an eco goth band with witchy vibes. Witch's Ghost takes some liberties with witchcraft as a modern religious movement (um, no Wiccans are not a hereditary group and popped up in the early 1900s). I'd recommend these movies for older kids. 
6. Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire - part of me still finds it funny that Mr. Sheffield from "The Nanny" played a vampire trying to date Sabrina the Teenage Witch's Aunt Hilda in this 2000 Disney Channel Original Movie. When a divorced mother of three is set up by two of her children on a date with a mysterious man to get her out of the house (because she had rightfully grounded them), craziness ensues when the mysterious man turns out to be a vampire. Lizzie McGuire's dad...I mean...Malachi Van Helsing comes to help the kids save their mom. I haven't rewatched this one recently, but I do remember being very worried for the mom while she was in a trance. Also, seeing all these actors I was familiar with from other shows I enjoyed was a lot of fun. Good for a family movie night.
7. Twitches/Twitches Too - I can't leave two of my favorite witches off this list. Tia Mowry and Tamera Mowry star as two long lost twin sister and heirs to a magical kingdom, sent to the non-magical Earth (our world) to be kept safe until they are unexpectedly reunited around their 21st birthday. Together they learn of their magical and royal roots while working to fulfil a prophecy that might turn deadly. It's a fun fantasy story that is light on the scares, but qualifies as a part of the Halloween lineup. Alex/Artemis was my favorite growing up because of her awesome writing powers and her association with the moon and all things nighttime. This movie is particularly good for your more feminine leaning kids. 
8. The Scream Team - apparently this movie was supposed to be a backdoor pilot to a TV show that was never picked up, which means I can include it on this list. Scream Team has a great cast including Kat Dennings, Eric Idle, Tommy Davidson, and the great Kathy Najimy. This movie is about death and accepting when a loved one leaves us unexpectedly. Idle, Davidson, and Najimy are ghosts helping two kids, who recently lost their grandfather, find their grandfather's ghost and get him to cross over to the next life - all while avoiding a fire welding angry ghost named Zachariah Smith. It's a heartwarming and fun take on a serious and sad subject. 10 out of 10, I recommend, though maybe for kids over the age of 7.
9. Phantom of the Megaplex - I love this Disney Channel Original Movie and was disappointed when Disney stopped showing it regularly in October. Not only is Micky Rooney a great addition to the cast, he brings a certain charisma and nostalgia for older movies that elevates the story from simply silly to meaningful. The movie roughly follows the plot of Phantom of the Opera (if you think of oldest brother, Pete, as the Christine of the story...that might be giving too much away). There's a phantom running around causing mayhem on the night of a major movie premiere. Siblings, Pete (who actually works at the Megaplex), Karen, and Brian are on the case to find out who the mysterious phantom is. Hopefully they can dodge the cinema sitter, love rivals, and actual responsibility to catch the phantom in the act. It's just a shame that Pete's manager is MIA for most of the night after "firing" the previous theater's owner, Movie Mason (he didn't actually work at the Megaplex, but "volunteered" to help with the premiere preparations). This movie is all about the love of classic cinema and how movies themselves are magic. One of my all time favorite lines comes from Movie Mason: "When we arrive in this world, magic is all around us. You simply have to see a baby discover a butterfly or a toddler splash in the bath for the first time. Yet, as the years pass, simple pleasures aren't quite so simple to find. Myths and legends fall away. Santa's secrets are revealed. Card tricks lose their fascination. True wonder is hard to come by. But there's always... magic at the movies". It's sweet and not really that scary. Good for kids all ages. 
10. It - Yes, I'm talking about the 1990 Steven King TV miniseries. Yes, I'm counting it. There wasn't a kid in the 90s or 2000s how didn't know someone who saw this movie way too young and swore it was the scariest thing they had ever seen. It was a staple of Halloween sleepovers and caused a generation of kids to be wary of clowns. But let's be real, the 1990 It isn't scary. The 2017 and 2019 movies are much, much better. The 1990 version is campy and funny. Not that I recommend showing a ten year old this movie (because that's how it's now advertised as). However, this made for TV movie was a staple of my childhood - not that I wanted my parents to know I'd seen it. I also didn't find it scary as a kid (probably because my first actual horror movie - which I was also way too young to watch - was Arachnophobia, which set the bar high for spider horror). I do think that it's a good intro horror movie for the more mature preteens to Steven King. Plus it has Tim Curry in it and he was a major part of any 90s kid's childhood.

Are there any made for TV movies you remember for the Halloween season? I have some vague memories of TV movies on ABC Family that I swear existed (like the "Are You Afraid of the Dark" movie), but can't remember the names or plots of - just that they were scary. Are there some modern TV/direct to streaming movies that you enjoy during the Halloween season? My sibling loves Under Wraps (2021). Let me know in the comments. 

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Until next week. 

Welcome to Non-Horror Fall Movies

 Happy October everyone!

Spooky season is in full swing (even if it unofficially started in August - sigh). I've started compiling my horror movies and Halloween decorations. I'm buying all things pumpkin spice and everything nice. And I just saw Clue at the Kennedy Center.

Wait that last one doesn't scream October movie. It's not scary. It's funny...even with all the murder and mayhem. 

Clue isn't a Halloween movie (or in my case a fun play), but it's aerosphere is full of horror cliches without the scares. A group of people are having a party in a big spooky mansion, a thunderstorm is raging outside, murderer (or seven) are on the loose, and there are secret passages galore. The mansion looks is decorated and lit in a way that invokes warm oranges and dark velvet greens that are associated with a fall color palate. 

The Clue play is very similar to the movie - with about 200% camp and physical comedy. Mr. Green totally steals the show, but Wadsworth and Miss. Scarlett get some great zingers in there too. I also loved their interpretations of Colonel Mustard, with his ability to mix up words, and Mrs. Peacock's "old woman" act. Professor Plum, Mrs. White, Evette, and the Cook are also great performances. Each are given their iconic scenes to reenact. The motorist and the cop, though briefly on stage, have great presence. And the singing telegram girl is perfectly hilarious (her body keeps moving every time the front doors open - I swear this is not a spoiler).

It is also similar to the movie in that it's time at the Kennedy Center was at the start of the Fall season - similar to it's TV run in the 1990s and early 2000s. Many of us 90s kids first saw the movie version of Clue either while flipping between channels in late September or as a rental during a back-to-school sleepover. Seeing Clue on TV meant that school was back in session and Halloween was just around the corner.

Much like Clue, there are several other movies that may not intuitively be seen as part of the Fall season. Either they were often on TV during the month of September or their atmosphere is like a warm apple cider on a crips day. So, here are some of my non-horror fall movies to get a bit cozy with.

1. Clue - I already wrote a bit about this movie and the new play. Clue is such a nostalgia cult classic with a subtle fall feel. 10 out of 10, would recommend.
2. The Princess Bride - for the cult classic romantics out there, the Princess Bride is the perfect movie. For those of us who spent a lot of time watching ABC Family in the 90s and 2000s, the Princess Bride was often shown on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It was one of the first movies my generation learned all the lines too.
3. Matilda - a perfect back-to-school movie for my elementary school self, this movie actually scared me quite a bit as a kid. However, it was guaranteed to be on TV multiple times on multiple weekends during the start of a new school year. I find myself reaching for Matilda right after Labor Day every year, since I don't go to school anymore myself.
4. Jumanji - I'm talking about the 90s version, not the 2010s one. The original Jumanji is full of the same fall atmosphere as Clue, but likely actually takes place in the summer/fall transition period. The style is very 90s Fall fashion and it also was shown quite a bit in September. But this isn't the only Robin Williams entry.
5. Hook - I'll admit that Hook actually takes place in the winter time while everyone is in London. However, much like the previously mentioned movies, this was on all the time in September in the 90s and 2000s. As soon as September hits, I start thinking about Peter and Wendy growing up into adults. I also never fail to cry when Peter starts talking about when he ran away as a baby (not sure why they chose to have him run away as a baby, but it's sad). Hook is one of my favorite fall movies about never growing up and believing in yourself.
6. Dead Poet's Society - one of the few "mature" films on this list, I saw Dead Poet's Society in my 20s. The atmosphere is 100% back-to-school fall. This is another with Robin Williams, but this time its a much more serious role. "Oh captain, my captain" I will never forget this movie during the Fall season.
7. Labyrinth - don't be surprised by this entry, I love Labyrinth. I've always thought of this movie as a coming of age story for a girl trying to navigate the pressures of being a teenager in a world that hates teen girls. You've got a labyrinth built like a maze (a true labyrinth only has one path that takes you to its center and then leads you back out) symbolizing the confusing emotions and feelings teen girls are feeling. You've got the pressure to complete tasks you probably shouldn't be responsible for (saving her brother could symbolize parentification, and creepy old guys creeping on you (hello Jareth). There's a lot to love about this movie and it just looks like fall. From the orange and brown Labyrinth walls, to the Bog of Eternal stench set, and even the puppets this movie looks like something a farm with a corn maze might have.
8. Practical Magic - this is not a horror movie, but it is one about witches, ghosts, and sisterhood (it also takes place in March, but who cares). I love Practical Magic during the October season. It's all about how to be a witch without any of the (extreme) terror. There's even a bit of romance. 
9. Knives Out - this movie's aesthetic is all about fall. The leaves are on the ground, everyone is in sweaters, and hot drinks have been poured. Also there's a mystery afoot. This one isn't a product of nostalgia (at least not right now it isn't). Knives Out is a fall movie minus the Halloween horrors.
10. The Fantastic Mr. Fox - technically this could be considered a Thanksgiving movie (they do have a Thanksgiving dinner at one point), but this movie just looks and feels like fall. The color palate is reds, oranges, and warm yellows with leaves on the ground and the young foxes are in school. This movie is all about the Fall. 

So these are some movies that I consider fall classics without the horror elements (Practical Magic has some, but not enough to qualify as a horror movie). So if you're not a horror fan, check out these movies during the spooky season. They'll put you in the mood for cozy sweaters, apple cider, and pumpkin spice with everything nice tasting.

Let me know your favorite Fall movie in the comments. I know I missed a few. Until the next week.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Welcome to Social Anxiety Horror

September has rolled in and hasn’t decided which season it should be yet. This means pre-spooky season is in fully swing. Halloween candy lines grocery store shelves, the craft stores have fake pumpkins galore, and pumpkin spice nonsense as far as the eye can see.

Naturally, I’ve already started hearing buzz around horror movies.

Yesterday, at art club, we all had an in-depth discussion around which horror movies we prefer, which we find comforting, and which we won’t touch with a ten foot pole. Naturally, the recently released Speak No Evil, came up. If you’ve managed to escape the trailers for this one, let me briefly explain the premise: an American family meets an English family on vacation, the English family invites them to their house in the middle of nowhere, and procede to be as creepy as possible. It’s technically a remake of a Dutch movie by the same name or also known as The Guests (likely made because Hollywood thinks Americans are allergic to subtitles) with a few changes.

It’s also an example of the subgenre social anxiety horror (a subgenre so rare that it doesn’t seem to have a TV Tropes page).

Normally, I’d have ascribed this movie as just a psychological horror, but there a few elements that push it into the lesser recognized social horror subgenre. TV Tropes defines psychological horror as “subgenre of horror that aims at creating horrific, paranoiac, suspenseful, or unsettling effects through in-depth use of mental and emotional states or psychological conditions.” From what I’ve come to understand, social anxiety horror differs in the use of social norms to drive the building tension. 

I was first introduced to this subgenre by the YouTube video essayist Super Eyepatch Wolf. His hour and twenty minute video covers several examples of social anxiety horror including literature (Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”), movies (The Guests which I am using instead of the other name to differentiate), and real life social experiments preformed on actual people. As I mulled over the concepts brought to my attention in the video, I came to realize that social anxiety horror is one I am easily disturbed by.

Just because I enjoy horror and have published multiple short stories and poems in the genre doesn’t mean that I love every aspect of it. My preference for horror typically contains some element of supernatural, cosmic, fantasy, or science fiction in it. This is so I have a buffer between what I’m enjoying through media and the possibility of something happening in my real life. I’ve never seen an extra terrestrial (doesn’t mean they don’t exist), but I have had a stalker. 

The closer the horror is to a possible experience, the less likely I am to enjoy it. I recently wrote a blog post about my thoughts on Anna Biller’s gothic romance/horror (horror is the section I found it in at Barnes & Noble) “Bluebeard’s Castle”. I found the book difficult to read at times (spoilers: not just because a cat dies) because I found my anxiety was being triggered. The main villain of the story uses psychology and social norms to manipulate the protagonist, which set off my flight responses. Putting the book down and walking away for a few days was the only way I could finish the book. 

The same response also happened to me for the horror novels “Such a Pretty Smile” by Kristi DeMeester and “A History of Fear” by Lucas Dumas (I made a post about this one). Though those novels contain an element of the supernatural, they also play on social anxiety fears. I could handle the dog creatures and flying devils. I couldn’t handle the homophobia and creepy situations with (fictional) people who were more or less real.

And that’s probably because I realize how easy it is to fall into a bad situation through the manipulation of social norms (see previously alluded to stalker). I’ve been in situations with other people that started out as seemingly normal and then escalated to terrifying. 

Thankfully, I’ve never been physically hurt in these situations, but they have taken a mental toll. It’s likely one of the many reasons I hate dating so much. I feel a lot more comfortable in a group social setting than going off with a person I just met for a one-on-one.

So let me know what you think of social anxiety horror? Should it have a TV Tropes page? What movies, shows, books, stories, or games do you think fit as examples of the subgenre? Did you go see “Speak No Evil” or watched the original “The Guests”? Let me know in the comments.

In you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me. 

Until the next week.

Welcome to a Wild World with Mushrooms

Guys, mushrooms are weird.

But, like, weird in a cool way.

Mushrooms are neither plant nor animal. They belong to a different living organism kingdom known as fungi (like that gross itchy thing growing on athlete's feet). Some are small, like the tiny Mycena subcyanocephala, while some are really freaking big, like the world's largest living organism Armillaria ostoyae. Yes, you read that right. The world's largest organism is a mushroom in Oregon. You can insert a joke about Oregonians and their recreational activities here. 

Some mushrooms are edible and some are happy to eat you...after you die that is. Some are used by trees as a network for communication known as a "woodwide web" (a pun I can't take credit for, but am happy to use. There are even some mushrooms that apparently eat plastic. 

With such a wide variety of mushroom species with unique looks, uses, flavors, and hallucinogenic properties, I think it's safe to say that mushrooms are really cool and really weird.

Growing up, I was never a big mushroom fan. I thought they looked like aliens and had a slimy texture (like what I thought aliens might taste like). I would often turn my nose up at dishes that blatantly had mushrooms in them. 

That was, until I went to Japan at 11 and was told that I would have to get used to eating them (or as the rule went: two bites before I could say "no thank you"). This is when I learned to love enoki mushrooms. At first I thought they were noodles and enjoyed the way they'd get stuck in my teeth. I quickly learned otherwise and would ask for them all the time - alone with the more well known shitake mushrooms.

However, it still took a while for me to really enjoy the culinary options that came with mushrooms. This was mainly due to the fact that I can't stand portabella mushrooms and they were everywhere (along with the button variety which I find marginally more appealing). 

That is until I started going to farmer's markets with people who cultivated mushrooms. Suddenly, I had my whole world opened to new mushroom flavors. My current favorites are king oyster and maitake (otherwise known as hen-of-the-woods). Both have distinct flavors that require different cooking styles. King oyster can be used as a substitute for a lot of seafood, but especially scallops. Maitake have a stronger flavor that I prefer to roast in the oven. 

Also fun fact about oyster mushrooms: they might not be strictly vegan or vegetarian friendly as they will consume live worms while growing. This is similar to the grey area that figs (require the death of a wasp to grow) and honey (no bees die from the production or cultivation of honey if done properly) fall into.

But those are just a few of the many culinary mushrooms humans are able to eat. 

However, there are even more mushrooms that will instead cause agonizing death and a few look like the yummy kind of mushroom. 

You know those red and white mushroom's Mario and Luigi use to upgrade their bodies? They're deadly in real life. 

Since the 2020 pandemic, mushroom foraging has become a popular hobby. This is good for getting people outside and looking for their own food. This is bad because people are over picking mushrooms that are needed in the environment. Nature is a delicate balance...one that humans are constantly messing up in the modern era. Also, with the onset of AI book writing, there are a number of badly written mushroom foraging guides for sale on Amazon that have (at best) misleading information and (at worst) seriously bad you, will die if you eat that information. Be wary of AI written work in general, but this is just criminally bad.

There are also the getting high kind of mushrooms that will take you on a hallucinogenic trip...or might be useful for therapy for people suffering from severe PTSD and depression under the right circumstances (and government approval). I first learned more about this in a Netflix 2019 documentary called Fantastic Fungi, which was truly fascinating. It was also where I learned that if you're going to do mushrooms, maybe don't be in the woods while a thunderstorm is going on - you might climb a tree. 

Most recently, mushrooms have been popping up more and more in the horror genre. From the video game, turned TV adaptation The Last of Us to the seriously creepy novel "Mexican Gothic". Mushrooms are everywhere (literally and figuratively) and since we don't know a whole lot about every single species, they make for a great horror story. Especially since there exists and actual mushroom known as the Ophiocordyceps unilateralis that turns ants into zombies.

You're welcome for that fun fact.

Well, I'm off to make my dinner of roasted mushrooms. Hopefully, you still have an appetite. What are some of your favorite mushrooms - either to eat or stair at, doesn't matter. Until next week. 

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y'all like hearing from me.

Welcome to a Character Tragedy

Have you ever read a book and wanted to smack the main character upside the head?

I have - very recently in fact. It was tough to get through some parts of the book, but I persisted (mostly out of a sense of completion pride). I’m glad I did because, though I found the main character frustrating, I was interested to see how her story would end.

I’m not going to spoil the book for you guys (though I doubt most of you will read it). I picked it up because I liked some of the other author’s work - as eccentric as it is - and the cover art was very 1970s pulp. It was in the horror section and claimed to be a gothic tale - one of my favorite sub-genres. It was advertised as a feminist retelling of a grisly fairy tale.

The book : Bluebeard’s Castle.

The author: Anna Biller.

My first introduction to Anna Biller was a YouTuber’s review of her movie “The Love Witch”. It’s a movie I greatly enjoy for its aesthetic. The plot is also interesting as it focuses on a witch looking for her ideal man. There’s some magic and murder and tons of camp. I recommend it for people who like campy movies and a healthy dose of 1970s influence. Sadly they couldn’t edit out all the modern cars.

Bluebeard’s Castle is still very clearly an Anna Biller creation, and the camp is still there. The difference are the characters. Judith is not Elaine and Gavin is definitely not Griff. Actually, Gavin doesn’t feel like a character for most of the book. He’s more of a paper thin dreamy wish fulfillment that suddenly turns into a nightmare.

It’s very clear early on that Judith is easy to manipulate when given the opportunity to live out a fantasy. She rejects the more interesting and complex (actually developed) character of Tony early on because he is too safe and boring. Honestly, Tony is the best character in this book, aside from the cats.

Gavin love bombs Judith into running away with him to Paris. They then get married in about a month and buy a castle together. Oh, and did I mention that Judith writes gothic historical romance fiction? I’d almost call her a self insert for Biller except that I’ve seen her interviews and she’s a lovely person. 

Judith is insufferable and frustrating. She claims to be a feminist - and on surface level she kind of is - but it’s a white woman’s feminism. She still gets jealous and takes it out on the wrong people. She thinks that her problems can be solved by loving a (really quite terrible) man enough. She refuses to listen to people who actually care about her well-being (see my note about Tony). The woman needs therapy and doesn’t consider it once in the whole story. There are so many mommy issues.

I could go through all her faults (oh my god the alcohol abuse), but that’s not the point of this post. I’m also probably making the book sound terrible with my descriptions. It’s not a bad book. Heck, I even liked it.

Not that I’m putting it in my top ten anytime soon, but the book does suck you in and you hope for the best, even though you’ll know it’ll end for the worst.

I still don’t want to spoil the book for the (very) few of you interested in checking it out. However, near the end of the book we finally get a few points of view changes that add more context. One is from Gavin, and we do see that he is a real character, not a product of Judith’s imagination. The second is from an omnipotent narrator which wraps up the story in a neat little bow and drives home the message. Honestly, I think this book could have used more of this type of narration - not a lot - but enough to break up some of Judith’s inner thoughts. And boy does she have thoughts - chapters upon chapters of thoughts. Biller could have benefited from a few writer’s group critiques to tighten up the story.

The third and final point of view shift is to a character in one of Judith’s books. The character is in a similar situation to Judith and based off the fairytale Bluebeard. However, this character’s fate is different than Judith’s. It is the final wish of the tragic author after the last one turned out so wrong.

I may have just spoiled the ending…oh well.

Somewhere in the universe Judith exists in, there is a monkey paw that curled its finger anytime Judith truly wanted something. Maybe Biller is planning on having some of these characters show up again and she’ll do a retelling of The Monkey’s Paw. 

Did I enjoy the book? Not really. Am I satisfied with its ending? Yes. Do I recommend it? Maybe…I’m not really sure.

I still really like “The Love Witch”, but Bluebeard’s Castle is an entirely different story. Elaine would have had her fun with Gavin. Griff would have been too boring for Judith.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please, like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me.

Until next week.

Welcome to Love Letter Events

This weekend marked the beginning of a big event. This event so big and monumental that it might bring people together to celebrate the past and potential future.

I am of course talking about the theatrical release of “Deadpool and Wolverine”…

…and the Paris Olympics.

Let me explain…or at least gush.

I’ve been in a funk the past little while and a doctor’s visit hasn’t helped much. So, Friday night, I got home from my evening walk and realized that the Paris Opening Ceremonies were going on. I missed maybe the first half hour (which is fine, I can look up what I missed). I thought the big performance was over and I could watch the barges (an experiment this year with mixed results) with the athletes make their way through Paris.

And then I saw the parkour Assassin’s Creed* cosplayer carrying the Olympic torch and realized that the performance was still going on throughout the parade of athletes. Lady Gaga then took stage right on the river and performed admirably as it started to rain. 

All of the performers did an amazing job. They weren’t able to do a full dress rehearsal on stage due to the secrecy around the performances, which is an amazing achievement, but then they turned it up by 1000x because it poured. And those performers didn’t bat an eye (well I’m assuming they didn’t), they kept it up and put on a great show dedicated to the history and culture of Paris.

The choreographer and director clearly wanted to write a love letter to Paris and France and they succeeded. 

My personal favorite was the transition from Les Mis to the screaming beheaded body of Marie Antoinette  which heralded the start of a heavy metal opera mashup that I was not expecting. It was fabulously camp with just a hint of tasteful gore.

I also really liked the love story section in the library that ends with an implied threesome. It just was nowhere near as amazing as an entire building with shrieking beheaded Marie Antoinettes. 

Surprisingly, the Paris Opening Ceremonies paired well with “Deadpool and Wolverine”as a double feature. (Technically, I watched them on two separate days, but it’s my life so I’m counting it.)

I’m going to do my best here to NOT spoil “Deadpool and Wolverine”, but I can’t help you if you read past this sentence.

You have been warned!

“Deadpool and Wolverine” is a love letter to the 20th Century Fox era of Marvel comic book hero movies. It accepts that that era of movies is over, but it goes out with a bang. It is a fans dream gift wrapped in references, cameos, and so many Deadpools.

Yes, there are other references. The Avengers get a shout out and there are some questions that are left unanswered (if you know, you know). Also, I loved the montage of Wade trying to find a certain someone for very noble reasons and messing it up.

Do you need knowledge about everything Marvel to understand the movie?

No.

But knowing that certain things that happened in other movies helps. The ending of “Logan” (2017) might be required background knowledge, but it’s not necessary. Wade in all of his Deadpool-ness knows that the audience may not have seen everything Marvel in the past 30 odd years (oh man…when did that movie come out?). He’s also aware that some people have, and read all the comics, and can quote every cartoon that popped up on Saturday morning, and all the video games…you get the picture. 

Wade is good at balancing the wink, wink nudge, nudge with the “I have no idea what’s going on”. He’s like the commentators at the Olympic Opening Ceremonies trying to explain everything we’re seeing. They might not know everything, but they know more than the average viewer and might also admit when they too are confused.

Is it a perfect movie?

No.

There were a couple of cameos I was hoping for that didn’t happen and there were a few things that were left open that I didn’t think needed to be. Plus not enough of Wade’s main team.

But it is a solid mood lifter and I’d watch Deadpool fight with Wolverine against the TVA any day (if you know, you know). I also liked that Deadpool and handle the ridiculous, mix it with the dramatic, and spit out God’s Perfect Idiot. 

Definitely stick around for the credits. You can tell that the film makers grew up with the 20th Century Fox movies and wanted to give them one final send off. It was a total throw back for me.

So go watch “Deadpool and Wolverine” if you want and check out the Paris Opening Ceremonies performances if you feel like it. I’m not going to tell you what to do.

But if you do watch both or one or the other, please let me know what you thought. Because…

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me.

Until next week.

*I don’t actually know if they were cosplaying Assassins Creed, that’s just what it looked like to me.

Welcome to Assateague Beach

There isn’t anything better than going to the beach on a sunny summer day. 

Unless you happen to be in the path of five galloping wild horses being herded away from beachgoers. Then you might feel time slow down while you debate the best way to get out of these beautiful yet massive animals’ way. My response was to freeze and hope the horses chose to not go into the waves.

Assateague Island is part of the National Parks as a National Seashore. It’s one of the barrier islands on the east coast of the United States - especially it runs from Ocean City, Maryland to Chincoteague, Virginia. The island is divided by the Maryland State Park, the Maryland side National Seashore, and the Virginia side National Seashore.

It is also most famous for its wild horses. 

About 300 horses live on the island. Most are allowed to roam freely (on the Maryland side), while the Virginia side horses, or ponies as they are sometimes called, are behind fences as they are “owned” by the Chincoteague fire department. Last year, in April, I went to both ends of the island for the first time and wrote a post (which you can view here).

This year, my sibling decided to come visit me and go on a bit of an adventure. We stayed at a historic and supposedly haunted hotel in Berlin, Maryland - “the coolest small town in America”. The movie “Runaway Bride” had been filmed there and we stayed in the room Richard Greer had stayed in (sadly 1999 Richard Greer was not included). Another movie, “Tuck Everlasting” had also been filmed near the town. There’s a mermaid museum in town that I would call quaint and the book store is run by a woman who used to be an undertaker…and wrote about her experience as one. Ocean City, Maryland (not to be confused with the far superior one in New Jersey), is about 20 minutes away. 

We did not see or experience any ghosts on the trip.

Unfortunately, it rained most of the trip. So we explored the town and enjoyed the different restaurants. Though today was nice and sunny (and I got a bit crispy). Which is why we ended up going to Assateague Beach. 

Sure, Ocean City is also close by, but if you want something a little nicer, so to Assateague.

Plus you have the horses. They are really cool. Just don’t get too close as they will bite, charge, and stomp on anyone who gets too close. I saw a lot more horses (and babies) this trip than back in April last year.

The beach is very nice and decently guarded. There’s a long sandbar, so the water doesn’t drop off too quickly. Surfing is allowed, but I’ve never tried it and the east coast just doesn’t seem like the place to surf. The horses hang around the parking lot, so you’ll need to dodge the horse poo, but the actual beaches are very clean of human and animal debris. You can even bring your dog.

It was foggy when we arrived at 9:30am. The tide was coming in and you could hardly see ten feet out. The water was cold, but refreshing once the sun broke through the haze. Other than the horses, I saw deer, different birds, a horseshoe crab, and a mermaid purse (which are shark, ray, or skate eggs - depending on the species).

My sibling and I would have been happy to spend all day on the beach, but sadly we did have to drive the three hours home. 

Oh and the horses did in fact turn away from where I was standing. They ran along the water edge until they were safely away from people. It was really cool, but a bit nerve wracking to see and experience.

I’m happy to recommend Assateague beach to anyone who wants a unique beach and wildlife experience. Just stay at least 40 feet away from the horses. They bite.

If you enjoyed this post (or it really pissed you off) please like, share, and/or leave a message. I love hearing from my readers and I hope y’all like hearing from me.

Until next week.